Nick Birney - AKA Bugs Birney or Bunny – John Terry’s All
Gold
The current champion with his club John
Terry’s All Gold. Bunny is one of the most
successful managers in SSPA history, made possible by his sobriety at auctions. His achievement of winning three SSPA titles
is only matched by Pip. He is infamous
for ‘supporting’ a number of football clubs such as Nottingham Forest, Wycombe
Wanderers, Chelsea and Arsenal… …there
are probably a few more to add but I can’t think of them at the moment.
Honours: SSPA (2006,
2008 & 2012), Tosspot League (2008 & 2012)
Key signing: Eden Hazard (CHE)
Prediction: Bunny is always there or thereabouts but
never wins the league two years on the trot.
He is relying too much on the unknown quantity of Hazard and the
performance of an ageing Stevie Gerrard.
Will push the eventual winners all the way but will have to be satisfied
with a top three spot.
Jill Broughton – AKA Jillytub –
Unathletico Jillbao
Jillytub’s most
notable achievement was winning the Up Yer Clunge Cup in 2003 with a 22-11
thrashing of FC Bugs Bunnies. She was
also runner up to a rampant Samui Hotshots in the same year and has been second
in the Tosspot League three times including being pipped by Pip in the first
season when level on points. Jillbao
moved to a new out-of-town location last season and they hoped this would bring
them success but a dreadful season saw them finish bottom of the SSPA. Jillytub has had an allegiance to Spurs ever
since having a fumble with Glenn Hoddle back in her teenage Harlow days.
Honours: Up Yer
Clunge Cup (2003)
Key signing: Demba Ba (NEW)
Prediction: Unathletico have a strong defence with Ashley
Cole, Clichy and Vermaelen but look a little lean in midfield and up
front. Will do better than last year but
without further investment Jillytub may be languishing in mid-table.
Bill Wakelam – AKA Wild Bill –
Settle Sounders
Wild Bill represents the northern
extremity of the SSPA’s reach as he resides in the wilds of the Yorkshire
Dales. Originally from Clay Cross and a
stout Chesterfield fan he has yet to trouble the scorers in the SSPA. However, contrary to popular belief his teams
have yet to finish bottom in the main league although he did hold up the rest
of the Tosspot League in 2011. Wild Bill
normally finishes the auction with the most money left but this year saw his
mantle stolen by the Minstrels.
Honours: None
Key signing: Edin Dzeko (MC)
Prediction: With Settle Sounders
Wild Bill has one of his best chances of silverware to date. There has been a sea-change in his thought
process as he has bought six strikers. With
the squad he has and the money left in the bank he should look forward to a
place in the top six and, with that strike force, a chance of taking Eugene’s
Onion Bag title.
Melanie Glaves – AKA Laughing
Glavesy or LG – Taxbore Wanderers
Called ‘Laughing Glavesy’ after
the famous Laurel and Hardy dog, ‘Laughing Gravy’ LG has one single title to
her name when the Taxbores won the league in 2009 beating Bugs Birney by just
five points. Wanderers fans still talk
about this like Sheffield Wednesday fans talk about winning the Rumbelows Cup
in the 90s. The Fiscal Street trophy
cabinet has been empty ever since and last season will be one to forget for the
Taxbore faithful. Glavesy works as a tax
technician in London’s bustling Regents Park area and supports Sheffield United.
Honours: SSPA
(2009)
Key signing: Fernando Torres (CHE)
Prediction: It remains to be seen if the added responsibility
of becoming the SSPA Events Co-ordinator affected LG’s purchasing skills at the
auction. Much is expected of Kagawa
after some impressive friendly outings and Torres must surely have a better
season especially after collecting the Euro Golden Boot award. The Taxbores can probably expect a top six
SSPA placing, a good run in the Jeff Stelling Shield and will be there or
thereabouts in the Tosspot League.
Steve Broughton – AKA TAM
TUFF, Tam, Tammy, Purplytub or Purps – Smegma United
Possibly the most
extrovert character in the SSPA. Despite
a Tosspot League title and a couple of cup wins to his name the closest he has
come to winning the SSPA was the most famous ending to the season of all. In 2010 the Smeggers were 26 points behind
the Shankers going into the last day’s action with Chelsea v Wigan the focal
point of the day. Purps clawed all the
points back as Chelsea were rampant against the hapless Lancastrians and then a
penalty was awarded but Drogba grabbed the ball from Lampard and took it
himself. If Lamps had taken it Purps
would have won but finished one point behind Pip (who was shitting himself for
most of the match). For his sins Purps
follows the fortunes of Sheffield United.
Honours: Tosspot
League (2010), Up Yer Clunge Cup (2004), Jeff Stelling Shield (2010)
Key signing: Gareth ‘Monkey Man’ Bale (TOT)
Prediction: Purps went for an all British Isles selection
and this will rebound on him big style.
Expect a bottom-half finish for the Knobcheese Lane outfit.
Phil Broughton – AKA Pip,
Pipodopolos, Pipe, Stanley Pipe, Podge, Mr Fuller – Armitage Shankers
Pip’s victory in last
season’s Jeff Stelling Shield Final means he keeps one trophy ahead of Bunny in
the SSPA Legends List. Not one to blow
his own trumpet, Pip is a studious quiet man known for his love of Sheffield
United and pies. He has been involved in
the two closest finishes in SSPA history, losing by one point in 2001 and
winning by the same in 2010. The
Shankers have moved to a new purpose built stadium in South London where they
hope to establish a new fan base.
Honours: SSPA
(2002, 2005 & 2010), Tosspot League (2001 & 2002), Jeff Stelling Shield
(2012)
Key signing: Mario Balotelli (MC)
Prediction: It looks like the Shankers are going 4-3-3
this season but that they also have added a solid back line to their usual
attacking flair. Should be a good season
for Pip and it is hard to see anyone stopping him adding more trophies to his burgeoning
collection. A main title contender.
James Cook – AKA Cookie – C NUT
FC
Cookie is still a
novice but is learning quickly. Last
season’s runner up position in the SSPA was a warning to the rest of the league
to sit up and take notice. With his
favourite football team, the Wednesday of Sheffield, above their local rivals (for
the first time in decade and a bit), he has suddenly begun looking out for
their results. Technically a Derbyshire
boy as records show his mother was thrown out of Yorkshire just as he was born which
meant he was unable to sign up for the best county cricket team in England. C NUT will be playing their games in West
Ewell and are the most southerly team in the SSPA.
Honours: None
Key signing: Wayne Rooney (MU)
Prediction: With £20M spent on Rooney, Cookie had to
wheel and deal to bring in the players to support his big star. If Rooney plays like he did for England then
the rest of the SSPA can ignore the aforementioned warning. It is unlikely that C NUT will reach the
dizzy heights of second this season but Cookie’s competitive spirit could see
him sneak one of the other three titles.
Eugene Walker – AKA Big Euge –
Whiptail Lizards
The Lizards signed
up for SSPA action for the first time last season and promptly went and won the
inaugural Onion Bag League and finished a commendable fifth place in the SSPA. Euge is a bit like Eric Cantona or Vinny
Jones in reverse in that he started with an acting career but then moved into
football. He supports two clubs at
opposite ends of the spectrum, in Arsenal and Accrington Stanley (yes, ‘Who are
they?’). The Lizards play their games in
posh Kew.
Honours: Onion Bag
League (2012)
Key signing: Andy Carroll (LIV)
Prediction: On paper the Lizards don’t look to have what
it takes to compete at the highest level.
But don’t let that fool you, Euge has an ability to make a sow’s arse
out of a silk ear (is that right?). The
Lizards won’t trouble the SSPA Trophy winning team etcher but they may pick up
one of the other trophies on offer.
Duncan Phillips – Dunc or The
Sheriff – Duncity United
The boy Phillips is
a cad and resembles The Sheriff of Nottingham from one of those Errol Flynn
films back in the 60s or something. His
age is a mystery, mainly as he won’t tell anyone what it is but there are a few
of us expecting a big celebration soon and it’s not 18, 21 or 30. Originally from a well-to-do home in
Cambridge he now resides in Strand on the Green ish. He played his first season in the SSPA last
year and ended up a creditable fourth missing out on a European spot by the
skin of his beard.
Honours: None
Key signing: Karl Pilkington (SKY)
Prediction: Duncan has built a solid all round team that,
in terms of last season’s points scored, is the best of the lot. Although this can be passed off as
meaningless statistical nonsense you can’t ignore the facts. Could be added to the small list of SSPA
title winners by May 2013.
Steve Birney – AKA Fruitcake –
Royal Somerset Fruitcakes
After a four season
break Fruitcake as returned to the fold.
After winning the SSPA in 2004 the Somerset Fruitcakes endured the
heartbreak of being the runners up on three occasions in four years. Two of these years his brother won the
title. This was too much to take for
Fruitcake, he couldn’t cope and left the game to make babies. Now on his return it will be interesting to
see if he can get back to winning ways.
Somerset now play their games in Reading and Fruitcake himself is, from
what I remember, a Manchester United fan, or a Wycombe fan, or whichever team
is doing best at the time, a bit like his brother.
Honours: SSPA
(2004), Up Yer Clunge Cup (2005)
Key signing: Lukas Podolski
Prediction: Fruitcake is always sniffing around at the
top of the table but is ultimately a choker.
He has built a stable defence but he is relying too much on the
attacking spearhead of Podolski and Bent.
The game has changed while he’s been away and it’s hard to see him
making an impact this season.
Kieran Green – AKA Keez or
Keezer – Inter Meringue
Inter Meringue were
famous for being famous back in the 1990s when they competed in the Ronseal
Premier League alongside Armitage Shankers.
Keezer was an enigma then. Even
the story of his nickname being name-checked by Sheffield legend Jarvis Cocker
in the Pulp song ‘Sorted for E’s and Whizz’ had a whiff of fantasy about it. It’s taken a while for him to come out of
retirement but it always seemed inevitable it would happen. Has he matured? Keezer is a Sheffield Wednesday fan as was
shown by him sporting Chrissy Waddle’s face on his t-shirt at the auction.
Honours: None
Key signing: Robin Van Persie (ARS)
Prediction: You don’t just walk into the SSPA and start
winning the title, so not a contender.
Even if RVP has a season like last year it didn’t do the Shankers any
good. And what if he sods off to Juventus
(RVP, not Keezer), Meringue will be in dire straits, mostly likely playing bass
guitar. Bottom three for Inter as that’s
where they used to finish in the Ronseal Premier League.
Scott Allum – AKA Scotty,
Scotty Dog or Scott E Dog – Wandering Dog
Another manager
returning to the fold. Scott won the
SSPA in 2011 and then relaxed for a year.
In the four years he competed he never finished below third in the
Tosspot League and won it twice and won the Up Yer Clunge Cup in 2008 for good
measure. The Dog supports Spurs and Wycombe
Wanderers when he feels like it.
Honours: SSPA
(2011), Tosspot League (2009 & 2011), Up Yer Clunge Cup (2008)
Key signing: Sergio Aguero (MC)
Prediction: Scott put together a good attacking unit
before jetting off to his Bournemouth holiday retreat. He was last seen eating chips on the
sun-drenched beach, a sign of a man who knows that he has created a title
winning squad. Favourites for the SSPA
title.
Greg Chmielinski – AKA Chimmy
Linksi, Chummy Lumkins, Old Greg – Wasteland United
A new addition to
the SSPA but not one without Fantasy League experience. Old Greg spent last season managing in the
RPA Youth League and created another online game that I didn’t quite understand,
as I was lashed at the time. He counts
himself as one of those Manchester United fans but I’m not quite sure who is
Polish team is. What we do know is that
he is not fond of Scousers or Germans.
Honours: None
Key signing: Clint Dempsey
Prediction: Old Greg is an unknown quantity for the SSPA
but he lives and breathes fantasy league football and looks to be one to
watch. He doesn’t currently have the
squad to bring in an SSPA title but could spend most of the season in the top
five.
The Minstrels – AKA The Chefs –
The Minstrels
Who are these people? If memory serves me right they are the first
trio to manage an SSPA team. Dave was
the representative at the auction and didn’t buy a player until two hours
in. They have almost £25M left; was this
part of the plan?
Honours: None
Key signing: Danny Welbeck
Prediction: Looking at the current team there could well
be a new wooden spoon presented to our team of chefs at the end of the
season. However, they have all that
money burning a hole in their checked trousers but a prediction of somewhere in
the bottom four for these inexperienced omelette tossers.
Dermot McCann – AKA The
Landlord or just Lord – Not So Athletic Athletic (AKA NSAA)
I don’t know much
about Dermot except that he runs a top pub and serves top quality pints (creep
creep). Seems like he has a place in his
heart for Queens Park Rangers though, but we won’t hold that against him, we
suffered fans of that team in the SSPA before, and we’ll probably suffer them
again.
Honours: None
Key signing: Theo Walcott
Prediction: To say Dermot didn’t know what the hell
Fantasy League was all about just 15 minutes before the auction he hasn’t put a
bad squad together. Having said that,
the SSPA is a tough school and Dermot could soon find himself struggling at the
foot of the table.
