AFC Grumpledon v Taxbore Wanderers
This is a toughie for the Taxbores. Grumpledon are the current SSPA and Tosspot champions, they lead the Tosspot League and are second in the SSPA at the moment. Heady days for AFC then. However, their fans are growing ever restless at the amount of time Grumps spends in Thailand, and his ever-growing links with the vacant coach's job at Ting Tong City. In fact, while this game is being played, the AFC manager will be absent. So, can Wanderers feed on this unrest? A lot depends on striker Remy Martins, who has hinted at a return to form over the last few weeks. Torres is fighting against an ankle injury so may not be back in time for the weekend, leaving Laughing Glavesy's team lightweight up front. Looks like another Grumpledon victory to us here at the Blog.
Slinger's Ringers v Armitage Shankers
As if the Ringers weren't going to have an hard enough task as it was, the re-emergence of Shankers' Robin Van Persie in midweek will have sent shudders down Fritz's spine. The cup-holders travel to the Hun Stadt buoyant after a fine three weeks that has seen them go from wooden spoon contenders to European challengers, while the Ringers have slipped in the opposite direction. With the likes of Gerrard, Agbonlahor and Cahill on top form it is very hard to see any other result than a Shankers victory here.
Somerset Fruitcakes v Wandering Dog
Wandering Dog squeezed out a 6-5 victory away to Bruce's Bangers in their first ever cup game while the Fruitcakes got a bye. The Dogs will have got a taste for this cup malarkey now but there is not much to choose between the two teams positioned third and fourth in the SSPA. The Yak and Rooney hold the key for the home team while Captain Scott, with top scorer Robbie Keane suspended, will be looking to Nasty Nic Anelka for inspiration, not always a good place to look. Unless Wandering Dog's impressive defence can keep a number of clean sheets it looks like it will be the Fruitcakes taking their place in the semis.
Kings Road United v Unathletico Jillbao
This game looks like a mismatch on a grand scale. The current league leaders versus SSPA's own version of Casualty. In fact there are rumours that Jillbao will be changing their name to Holby City next season. Messrs Adeyabor and Lampard should finish this game off between them without any input from anyone else. Tevez and Cesc Fibreglass are the only hope for Jillbao but if Kings Road United don't win this one Bunny has promised to bear his arse outside the Griffin in Brentford. At the blog we're going for a win for Bunny to save us all an 'orrible sight.
Monday, 10 December 2007
European Competitions Report
AFC Grumpledon have one foot in the next round of the Champions League after a 7-7 draw at home to Total Blumer. A victory would have ensured qualification but results would have to go disastrously wrong for them not to make it now. This draw followed three straight victories and Grump's boys remain undefeated in this year's competition.
Both our teams in the UEFA Cup are struggling. Binnaway Blades have it all to do and would have been out of the competition if they had not managed their first win against Rabid Wombats. But the team from Oz have perked up of late and finally climbed off the bottom of the SSPA. Two wins in their last two games gainst LFC Boys and Germantown United should gain them qualification.
A 9-3 defeat of Little Italy was the first win of the campaign for Smegma United and gave them hope of survival. Purply's team started off with a draw against the same team but successive defeats put them in deep shit. They now have to win their last two games to qualify starting with a home game against A Pox Upon You Saah!, then leaders Balti Pie and Bovril are the visitors. Purps said "If we can make Nobcheese Lane a fortress and the fans get behind us we can progress to the next round". The latest we heard is that the club have applied for planning permission for four new turrets and a moat to be built at the ground.
An artists impression of the South Stand at the new Nobcheese Village
Both our teams in the UEFA Cup are struggling. Binnaway Blades have it all to do and would have been out of the competition if they had not managed their first win against Rabid Wombats. But the team from Oz have perked up of late and finally climbed off the bottom of the SSPA. Two wins in their last two games gainst LFC Boys and Germantown United should gain them qualification.
A 9-3 defeat of Little Italy was the first win of the campaign for Smegma United and gave them hope of survival. Purply's team started off with a draw against the same team but successive defeats put them in deep shit. They now have to win their last two games to qualify starting with a home game against A Pox Upon You Saah!, then leaders Balti Pie and Bovril are the visitors. Purps said "If we can make Nobcheese Lane a fortress and the fans get behind us we can progress to the next round". The latest we heard is that the club have applied for planning permission for four new turrets and a moat to be built at the ground.
An artists impression of the South Stand at the new Nobcheese Village
Grumpledon Grind Out Another Win
The Tosspot League reached it's half way mark as AFC Grumpledon went back to the top in their bid to retain the title for the second successive season. An impressive 18-10 victory over the previous leaders, Smegma United, in the top of the table clash put them two points clear of Bruce's Bangers. The Bangers increased their unbeaten run to five games with a spirited comeback at Binnaway Blades. Sardine would have been right to expect all three points against Tiddles' struggling team but they would have been happy with the 13-13 draw in the end. They haven't lost since their opening day defeat to Taxbore Wanderers on the opening day of the season.
VfB Skipton clinched their third successive victory with a 12-2 win over the Fruitcakes while Armitage Shankers and Taxbore Wanderers also went on to nine points with victories over Wandering Dog and Slinger's Ringers respectively. As a result Somerset dropped down three places to tenth. In the other match Kings Road United beat Jillbao 9-2 to go third.
The Tosspot League takes a short festive break but and returns on New Year's Day. The next three sets of fixtures have four games each. The leaders, AFC Grumpledon, travel to off colour Slinger's Ringers while third placed Kings Road have an easy looking task at home to Binnaway. Two teams on 12 points each, Wandering Dog and Smegma United, slug it out at Pooch Avenue while in form VfB Skipton and Armitage Shankers meet at Aryanville Park. Bruce's Bangers, Taxbore Wanderers, Unathletico Jillbao and Somerset Fruitcakes have an extra two weeks rest before they return to action on the 15th January. The top match then is AFC versus the Bangers.
VfB Skipton clinched their third successive victory with a 12-2 win over the Fruitcakes while Armitage Shankers and Taxbore Wanderers also went on to nine points with victories over Wandering Dog and Slinger's Ringers respectively. As a result Somerset dropped down three places to tenth. In the other match Kings Road United beat Jillbao 9-2 to go third.
The Tosspot League takes a short festive break but and returns on New Year's Day. The next three sets of fixtures have four games each. The leaders, AFC Grumpledon, travel to off colour Slinger's Ringers while third placed Kings Road have an easy looking task at home to Binnaway. Two teams on 12 points each, Wandering Dog and Smegma United, slug it out at Pooch Avenue while in form VfB Skipton and Armitage Shankers meet at Aryanville Park. Bruce's Bangers, Taxbore Wanderers, Unathletico Jillbao and Somerset Fruitcakes have an extra two weeks rest before they return to action on the 15th January. The top match then is AFC versus the Bangers.
Saturday, 1 December 2007
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Tosspot League Results - 6th to 12th Nov
The Smeggers went back to the top of the Tosspot League courtesy of a 13-10 victory against the Taxbores at Nobcheese Lane. Berbatov and Ronaldo did most of the damage with four and six points respectively. Binnaway Blades fell to their fourth successive defeat as Wandering Dog beat them 8-6 while the shock of the day was AFC Grumpledon losing in the Farterland to VfB Skipton. In the big Birney derby Kings Road United took the honours in a 16-10 win.
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
ARSEnal
I'll never forgive Arsenal for this, can't even keep a clean sheet against Reading. Three minutes to go for God's sake! I was that close to a hard earned draw against the Bangers.
Saturday, 10 November 2007
Saturday, 3 November 2007
The November Mini Auction (The Night of the Chalky Hands)
It's been a long time since the Red Lion in Isleworth hosted an SSPA mini auction but the resurrection of the dart board had drawn the attention of the Chairman. It was not a typical night in the Red, it was heaving, and there seemed to be a lack of nutters from the local nuthouse. By the time Chairman Pip arrived Purplytub and Sardine were already immersed in pints of frothing beer. Purps had allegedly been in there a while, drinking with his mentor, Cheesytub, ex-manager of Cheddar Gorges. Is Purps thinking of bringing him in to Nobcheese Lane in a kind of Brian Kidd type role? Once again, Bubble's job as coach is under scrutiny, when there are bad times at Smegma United the blame always seems to fall on the cat. Also sat outside the pub with them enjoying the sultry November night air was Umber Ella. Fruitcake, Bunny and Captain Scott arrived, completely ignoring the four fatties sat outside. However, they were all apologetic when they realised their error.
A lovely table was found right in front of the dart board, the only table left in the pub. Although it wasn't technically free as there was a bag, a couple of drinks, a copy of the Evening Standard and a cycle helmet scattered around the table and on the seats, the SSPA's finest flexed their collective muscles and annexed the table for their use.
On the whole, it was the managers who weren't there that were to spend the bulk of the money. The bottom two in the league, Tiddles and Kaiser Bill, are in danger of setting new records for crapness. However, these two still had big money to spend, both clubs have had new investors lately and the managers were given blank cheques to spend as they wished. Their outbidding each other was to be the theme of the night, apart from the chalky hands. Almunia, the keeper that has ousted Jens Lehman from the Arsenal stopper spot, was a target of many on the night. Binnaway Blades wanted him so badly that it hurt, but their £7M bid was not enough as the Kaiser came in with half a mill more. Emre of Newcastle was the subject of a £4M bid from Oz but once again Skippo slipped in a few quid more. Tiddles was tucked up again in a £6M bid for Pompey's Benjani, this time by Grumpledon who purchased him for £7.75M, but Binnaway's second choice bid for Kenwynne Jones of £3M was enough to prise him away from the Kaiser's grasp.
Tiddles was successful in other areas securing the transfers of Rob Green, George McCartney, Alex, Kapo, Michael Johnson and Dave Kitson. The Kaiser also bought Belleti, Pique, Ballack, Jerome and Hutchinson. It will be interesting to see if all these changes have any impact this weekend.
Old timers, Coops and Fritz, were also dealing from afar on the night. Fritz sent in his blind bids and apologies before going on a fact-finding mission to Glasgow. He's probably swilling down a beefy bake and deep fried Mars Bar with a tin of McKewans as we speak. The Ringers were in need of stability, being so close to the top of the league has given them the wobble so Fritz has employed the sturdy services of Sol Campbell, David Dunn and Anderson (Viv? Clive? Shelter?) at a combined cost of £6M. He was successful on all his bids but Coops failed on one as he was outbid on Emre, but as Meatloaf once said, two out of three ain't bad. But then again, Meatload also once said "I'll kill you if you don't come back", which is bit worrying. As mentioned previously, Benjani will be pulling on a Grumpledon strip today, joining him will be Distin who signed up for £1.25M.
Jillytub and Laughing Glavesy didn't have much success on the night. Now playing for Jillbao is Samba of Blackburn, not playing for Jillbao are Alex, K Jones and Almunia. Jillytubs £1M bid for the latter caused much mirth and merriment amongst the cluster of SSPA managers in the Red Lion as £7M plus bids had already been recorded. Poor old Taxbore Wanderers were scuppered on all three of their bids and a subsequent second choice bid. Again a £2M bid for Almunia triggered a couple of titters in the now well lubricated fantasy league bosses present at the auction.
Those managers in the Red, now eager to get on with the darts action, were conservative in their bidding throughout the night. Purps drafted in the Puffin Killer and Zat Knight. Fruitcake signed up Theo (who loves yer baby) Walcott and Simon Davies Junior. Pip, showing a remarkable amount of patience with his team, snapped up John "Yip Yip" Carew. Bunny went for Bent of the Marcus variety and the Captain brought in Shaun Wright-Phillips on a free after he was released by the Kaiser.
The darts went well with Purps taking the honours even though he was using the pub darts. But then again, he had been drinking three hours longer than anyone else. Pip showed an alarming ability to wipe out Sardine within 12 darts and the Captain proved he's no mug with the arrers. Bunny was out of sorts all evening and had just the one win to show, we told him not to eat chips before playing darts.
In the chalky hand contest Bunny was once again the loser, he had four chalky hands on his black sweater before he twigged what was going on. Pip managed a sneaky one on the Steve Rider lookalike who was playing pool, the only chalky hand administered to an innocent member of the public all night, worth 20 points according to the Chalky Hand Association. It got a bit silly later on with Purps trying to smear Pip's bollocks with chalk and Bunny took 
off his black sweater to reveal a pristine white t-shirt. If only we could have found some black paint.
The draw for the quarter finals of the Jeff Stelling Shield was done as well and was much more professional than the Scottish one. It went as follows:
AFC Grumpledon v Taxbore Wanderers
Slinger's Ringers v Armitage Shankers
Somerset Fruitcakes v Wandering Dog
Kings Road United v Unathletico Jillbao
Ties to be played 11th to 17th December.
A lovely table was found right in front of the dart board, the only table left in the pub. Although it wasn't technically free as there was a bag, a couple of drinks, a copy of the Evening Standard and a cycle helmet scattered around the table and on the seats, the SSPA's finest flexed their collective muscles and annexed the table for their use.
On the whole, it was the managers who weren't there that were to spend the bulk of the money. The bottom two in the league, Tiddles and Kaiser Bill, are in danger of setting new records for crapness. However, these two still had big money to spend, both clubs have had new investors lately and the managers were given blank cheques to spend as they wished. Their outbidding each other was to be the theme of the night, apart from the chalky hands. Almunia, the keeper that has ousted Jens Lehman from the Arsenal stopper spot, was a target of many on the night. Binnaway Blades wanted him so badly that it hurt, but their £7M bid was not enough as the Kaiser came in with half a mill more. Emre of Newcastle was the subject of a £4M bid from Oz but once again Skippo slipped in a few quid more. Tiddles was tucked up again in a £6M bid for Pompey's Benjani, this time by Grumpledon who purchased him for £7.75M, but Binnaway's second choice bid for Kenwynne Jones of £3M was enough to prise him away from the Kaiser's grasp.
Tiddles was successful in other areas securing the transfers of Rob Green, George McCartney, Alex, Kapo, Michael Johnson and Dave Kitson. The Kaiser also bought Belleti, Pique, Ballack, Jerome and Hutchinson. It will be interesting to see if all these changes have any impact this weekend.
Old timers, Coops and Fritz, were also dealing from afar on the night. Fritz sent in his blind bids and apologies before going on a fact-finding mission to Glasgow. He's probably swilling down a beefy bake and deep fried Mars Bar with a tin of McKewans as we speak. The Ringers were in need of stability, being so close to the top of the league has given them the wobble so Fritz has employed the sturdy services of Sol Campbell, David Dunn and Anderson (Viv? Clive? Shelter?) at a combined cost of £6M. He was successful on all his bids but Coops failed on one as he was outbid on Emre, but as Meatloaf once said, two out of three ain't bad. But then again, Meatload also once said "I'll kill you if you don't come back", which is bit worrying. As mentioned previously, Benjani will be pulling on a Grumpledon strip today, joining him will be Distin who signed up for £1.25M.
Jillytub and Laughing Glavesy didn't have much success on the night. Now playing for Jillbao is Samba of Blackburn, not playing for Jillbao are Alex, K Jones and Almunia. Jillytubs £1M bid for the latter caused much mirth and merriment amongst the cluster of SSPA managers in the Red Lion as £7M plus bids had already been recorded. Poor old Taxbore Wanderers were scuppered on all three of their bids and a subsequent second choice bid. Again a £2M bid for Almunia triggered a couple of titters in the now well lubricated fantasy league bosses present at the auction.
Those managers in the Red, now eager to get on with the darts action, were conservative in their bidding throughout the night. Purps drafted in the Puffin Killer and Zat Knight. Fruitcake signed up Theo (who loves yer baby) Walcott and Simon Davies Junior. Pip, showing a remarkable amount of patience with his team, snapped up John "Yip Yip" Carew. Bunny went for Bent of the Marcus variety and the Captain brought in Shaun Wright-Phillips on a free after he was released by the Kaiser.
The darts went well with Purps taking the honours even though he was using the pub darts. But then again, he had been drinking three hours longer than anyone else. Pip showed an alarming ability to wipe out Sardine within 12 darts and the Captain proved he's no mug with the arrers. Bunny was out of sorts all evening and had just the one win to show, we told him not to eat chips before playing darts.
In the chalky hand contest Bunny was once again the loser, he had four chalky hands on his black sweater before he twigged what was going on. Pip managed a sneaky one on the Steve Rider lookalike who was playing pool, the only chalky hand administered to an innocent member of the public all night, worth 20 points according to the Chalky Hand Association. It got a bit silly later on with Purps trying to smear Pip's bollocks with chalk and Bunny took 
off his black sweater to reveal a pristine white t-shirt. If only we could have found some black paint.The draw for the quarter finals of the Jeff Stelling Shield was done as well and was much more professional than the Scottish one. It went as follows:
AFC Grumpledon v Taxbore Wanderers
Slinger's Ringers v Armitage Shankers
Somerset Fruitcakes v Wandering Dog
Kings Road United v Unathletico Jillbao
Ties to be played 11th to 17th December.
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
Jeff Stelling Shield - Preliminary Round Results
Smegma United 4 Armitage Shankers 10
The Shankers, troubled by injuries to key players, pulled off a remarkable victory at Nobcheese Lane to keep up their hopes of winning the cup competition for a second year running. Without the likes of Ash Cole, Robin Van Persie and Chubby Alonso Pip's team battled on and in the end clean sheets for Calamity James and Walter Gallas were the layers of the cake and Gerrard's assist and Agbonlahor's goal were the nice bits on top.
Binnaway Blades -2 Unathletico Jillbao 9
Kevin Doyle came off the bench to notch two goals in this easy victory for Jillbao. Chimbonda and Mellberg of Binnaway didn't help matters by conceding minus five between them. With his position as coach in jeopardy Tiddles will be glad to see the transfer curtains being opened next week, without some new blood in the team it could be curtains for him.
AFC Grumpledon 13 VfB Skipton 7
Old Grumps can't do anything wrong these days and the cup was the only silverware he didn't win last season. VfB were always up against it at fortress Grumps and it was no surprise when Benedict McCarthy put them to the sword with a couple of goals. Despite Vedran Corluka's five points Kaiser Bill's team were never in it and Dirk Kuyt added a further six points for the high flying Grumpledon to send them through to the quarter finals.
Bruce's Bangers 5 Wandering Dog 6
The tightest game of the round was at Sausage Lane where Robbie Keane scored a late winner to send the travelling Dog supporters wild. With Muntari and Richards scoring five points between them and Wilfred Bouma three below zero the Bangers appeared to be in command. Then Kolo Toure got six points to haul the Dogs back in to it before Keane's Monday night winner.
The Shankers, troubled by injuries to key players, pulled off a remarkable victory at Nobcheese Lane to keep up their hopes of winning the cup competition for a second year running. Without the likes of Ash Cole, Robin Van Persie and Chubby Alonso Pip's team battled on and in the end clean sheets for Calamity James and Walter Gallas were the layers of the cake and Gerrard's assist and Agbonlahor's goal were the nice bits on top.
Binnaway Blades -2 Unathletico Jillbao 9
Kevin Doyle came off the bench to notch two goals in this easy victory for Jillbao. Chimbonda and Mellberg of Binnaway didn't help matters by conceding minus five between them. With his position as coach in jeopardy Tiddles will be glad to see the transfer curtains being opened next week, without some new blood in the team it could be curtains for him.
AFC Grumpledon 13 VfB Skipton 7
Old Grumps can't do anything wrong these days and the cup was the only silverware he didn't win last season. VfB were always up against it at fortress Grumps and it was no surprise when Benedict McCarthy put them to the sword with a couple of goals. Despite Vedran Corluka's five points Kaiser Bill's team were never in it and Dirk Kuyt added a further six points for the high flying Grumpledon to send them through to the quarter finals.
Bruce's Bangers 5 Wandering Dog 6
The tightest game of the round was at Sausage Lane where Robbie Keane scored a late winner to send the travelling Dog supporters wild. With Muntari and Richards scoring five points between them and Wilfred Bouma three below zero the Bangers appeared to be in command. Then Kolo Toure got six points to haul the Dogs back in to it before Keane's Monday night winner.
Saturday, 20 October 2007
The Jeff Stelling Shield
The preliminary round of the Jeff Stelling Shield is underway this weekend. The reigning champions, Armitage Shankers, start their defence of their title away to Smegma United. The Shankers are ravaged by injuries to key players like Alonso, Ashley Cole and Van Persie and will be lucky to progress. Jillbao make the long journey to struggling Binnaway and look to be hot favourites to win that one. Grumpledon will be hoping for an easy passage through to the next round against Skipton while Wandering Dog's first ever cup game is a difficult looking tie at Sausage Lane against an on form Bangers.
Smegma United v Armitage Shankers
Binnaway Blades v Unathletico Jillbao
AFC Grumpledon v VfB Skipton
Bruce's Bangers v Wandering Dog
Smegma United v Armitage Shankers
Binnaway Blades v Unathletico Jillbao
AFC Grumpledon v VfB Skipton
Bruce's Bangers v Wandering Dog
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
Thursday, 27 September 2007
Tosspot League Fixtures 25/9 to 1/10
These fixtures are the last in the Tosspot League until 6th November.
Slinger's Ringers v VfB Skipton
It's Heir Fritz versus Kaiser Bill slugging it out as both of them bid to get their first points of the season. I think one of them just might go and do it as well.
Kings Road United v Wandering Dog
Table-topping rampant Kings Road look odds on favourites to make it three out of three and keep their place at the top. Or will Wandering Dog sniff out a win?
AFC Grumpledon v Armitage Shankers
The Shankers look out of sorts and have made a slow start to the season. They will not be looking forward to travelling to Grumpledon, the current Tosspot champs have made a 100% start to the season.
Binnaway Blades v Smegma United
Purps has had is only morsel of enjoyment in the Tosspot League this season with a win over Pip. This game gives him a chance to add to that as Binnaway are already looking like whipping boys in this competition.
Bruce's Bangers v Unathletico Jillbao
Both of these teams are sitting in mid-table in the embryonic Tosspot table after winning a game each. Jillbao's recent SSPA form will give them hope of snatching something at Sausage Lane.
Taxbore Wanderers v Somerset Fruitcakes
This is always one of the fixtures of the season and for once Taxbore Wanderers look to be favourites. Two fine victories have put them in second place and Glavesy would just love it if she could make the Fruitcakes crumble.
Slinger's Ringers v VfB Skipton
It's Heir Fritz versus Kaiser Bill slugging it out as both of them bid to get their first points of the season. I think one of them just might go and do it as well.
Kings Road United v Wandering Dog
Table-topping rampant Kings Road look odds on favourites to make it three out of three and keep their place at the top. Or will Wandering Dog sniff out a win?
AFC Grumpledon v Armitage Shankers
The Shankers look out of sorts and have made a slow start to the season. They will not be looking forward to travelling to Grumpledon, the current Tosspot champs have made a 100% start to the season.
Binnaway Blades v Smegma United
Purps has had is only morsel of enjoyment in the Tosspot League this season with a win over Pip. This game gives him a chance to add to that as Binnaway are already looking like whipping boys in this competition.
Bruce's Bangers v Unathletico Jillbao
Both of these teams are sitting in mid-table in the embryonic Tosspot table after winning a game each. Jillbao's recent SSPA form will give them hope of snatching something at Sausage Lane.
Taxbore Wanderers v Somerset Fruitcakes
This is always one of the fixtures of the season and for once Taxbore Wanderers look to be favourites. Two fine victories have put them in second place and Glavesy would just love it if she could make the Fruitcakes crumble.
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Tosspot League Review - Matchset 2
Kings Road United 23 VfB Skipton 8
A rampant Kings Road despatched Skippo to take top spot in the Tosspot League and put VfB firmly down on the bottom of the table. Ernie Adebyor did most of the damage with two goals but four clean sheets and a Dempsey goal put lots of daylight between Bunny and Kaiser Bill.
Wandering Dog 3 AFC Grumpledon 5
Wandering Dog were expected to get a good canine here but the boss of the current Tosspot champions was left feeling hot under the collar as his team scraped through. Luckily for Grumps the Dog defence went walkies as Elano grabbed the crucial assist. Captain Scott was barking orders at his defence but it was to no avail. Jamie Carragher, given a new leash of life under Scotty, gave them hope with a clean sheet but Wes Brown cancelled that out with one of his own. Dog played well and the result was wuff justice according to their fans.
Binnaway Blades 1 Armitage Shankers 4
Two clean sheets from Calamity James and Ashley Cole was enough for the Shankers to see off a poor Binnaway side to seal their first Tosspot win of the season. The Aussie side suffered with minus two each from the Spurs duo of Robinson and Chimbonda. That's two defeats out of two now for the Sydney outfit.
Bruce's Bangers 12 Smegma United 8
12 points from Manchester based players gave Bruce's Bangers a win over highly-fancied Smegma and gave them their best start to a season since 1695. Nobby Vidic with six points and three each for Evra (and Evra for Evra and Evra you'll be the one... ...that shines in me like the morning sun- aah Demis Roussos) and Micah Richards dealt the Smeggers a mortal blow.
Taxbore Wanderers 12 Unathletico Jillbao 7
Jillytub only had two fit players to choose from so she was feeling optimistic for this match. Cesc Fibre-Glass was one of those players and he scored all seven points for Jillbao. However, the Bores clean-sheeted their way to another victory in the big girlie derby.
Somerset Fruitcakes 9 Slinger's Ringers 6
In a very clean sheet packed weekend both these teams got two each but Dean Ashton's first Fruitcake goal was enough to send the Somerset faithful delirious, they are easily pleased in that part of the world though.
A rampant Kings Road despatched Skippo to take top spot in the Tosspot League and put VfB firmly down on the bottom of the table. Ernie Adebyor did most of the damage with two goals but four clean sheets and a Dempsey goal put lots of daylight between Bunny and Kaiser Bill.
Wandering Dog 3 AFC Grumpledon 5
Wandering Dog were expected to get a good canine here but the boss of the current Tosspot champions was left feeling hot under the collar as his team scraped through. Luckily for Grumps the Dog defence went walkies as Elano grabbed the crucial assist. Captain Scott was barking orders at his defence but it was to no avail. Jamie Carragher, given a new leash of life under Scotty, gave them hope with a clean sheet but Wes Brown cancelled that out with one of his own. Dog played well and the result was wuff justice according to their fans.
Binnaway Blades 1 Armitage Shankers 4
Two clean sheets from Calamity James and Ashley Cole was enough for the Shankers to see off a poor Binnaway side to seal their first Tosspot win of the season. The Aussie side suffered with minus two each from the Spurs duo of Robinson and Chimbonda. That's two defeats out of two now for the Sydney outfit.
Bruce's Bangers 12 Smegma United 8
12 points from Manchester based players gave Bruce's Bangers a win over highly-fancied Smegma and gave them their best start to a season since 1695. Nobby Vidic with six points and three each for Evra (and Evra for Evra and Evra you'll be the one... ...that shines in me like the morning sun- aah Demis Roussos) and Micah Richards dealt the Smeggers a mortal blow.
Taxbore Wanderers 12 Unathletico Jillbao 7
Jillytub only had two fit players to choose from so she was feeling optimistic for this match. Cesc Fibre-Glass was one of those players and he scored all seven points for Jillbao. However, the Bores clean-sheeted their way to another victory in the big girlie derby.
Somerset Fruitcakes 9 Slinger's Ringers 6
In a very clean sheet packed weekend both these teams got two each but Dean Ashton's first Fruitcake goal was enough to send the Somerset faithful delirious, they are easily pleased in that part of the world though.
Saturday, 15 September 2007
Curse of Jillbao
Thanks for the helpful poll Mr. Chairman. My money's on Fabregas as most of the others will have trouble breaking anything but wind whilst bench warming....
........and it would seem even the threat of me signing Heskey has cursed him with a suspected broken toe.......
........and it would seem even the threat of me signing Heskey has cursed him with a suspected broken toe.......
Saturday, 8 September 2007
Cup Draw
The draw for the preliminary round of the cup is as follows:
Smegma United v Armitage Shankers
Binnaway Blades v Unathletico Jillbao
AFC Grumpledon v VfB Skipton
Bruce's Bangers v Wandering Dog
Byes for Taxbore Wanderers, Slinger's Ringers, Somerset Fruitcakes and Kings Road United.
Don't forget to vote for the name of the cup on the Fantasy League website.
Smegma United v Armitage Shankers
Binnaway Blades v Unathletico Jillbao
AFC Grumpledon v VfB Skipton
Bruce's Bangers v Wandering Dog
Byes for Taxbore Wanderers, Slinger's Ringers, Somerset Fruitcakes and Kings Road United.
Don't forget to vote for the name of the cup on the Fantasy League website.
Transfer News
There was a good gathering of managers at the first mini auction of the 2007/08 season. A 58% turnout saw Chairman Pip, Purplytub, Sardine, Captain Scott, Fritz, Fruitcake and Bunny show up at the Griffin for a feast of beer and chips. Seen on the right are Captain Scott, Fritz and Fruitcake enjoying some delicious fat soaked chips on a balmy evening in Brentford. The others were playing darts at the time where Purplytub took the honours. Fruitcake later defeated Pip with an outstanding display of dart scattering.
Before all that, Fritz splashed out £5M on Brett Emerton of Blackburn and disposed of the evil Puffin Killer Herman Hreidarsson. This was the most expensive transfer of the evening but Captain Scott was the biggest spender. Recouping £1.5M for Arjen Robben he then proceeded to splash out a total of £6M on El Hadj Diouf and Baby Bouma and later added Emile Heskey to his squad on a free. What a week it has been for Heskey, recall to the England squad and a passport back in to the SSPA courtesy of Wandering Dog. Scotty also got rid of Heinze and Alan 'Smithy' Smith of Newcastle.
Wild Bill was shrewd with his millions lying in the bank and purchased Diomansy Kamara of Fulham and disposed of Stern John. Sardine brought in Forsell and McFadden for McBride and Ballack. Peter Crouch, fearing that his legs may snap at any given moment, asked for a transfer away from Jillbao. Jillytub duly obliged and let the tall man go, bringing in Mido as his replacement. Crouchy was then approached by Kings Road boss, Bugs Birney, and signed on the dotted line for the current league leaders. Unathletico also picked up Bruno N'Zogbia and got rid of the crocked Kieran Dyer. Bunny let Benjani go in the Crouch deal and completed his dealings on the night with the signing of Dempsey of Fulham, Lee Cooke was shown the door to make way.
Fruitcake bought two claret and blue clad players; Laursen of Villa and Upson of the CCC (Cheating Cockney C**nts). He released Distin and Nigel Reo-Coker. Nigel was unhappy at the Fruitcakes and was keen to join the more ambitious Armitage Shankers. Nige and Pip struck up a deal and the England player, so impressive in the first few games of the season, will be proudly wearing the Shankers shirt next week. Pip had to juggle his squad to make way for the boy Reo-Coker and Berger and Bianchi were given their P45s. Tommy Huddlestone was brought in on a free transfer to complete what's looks to be the league's best midfield down at Bogside Lane.
Grumps traded Benayoun for the incoming Smertin at a cost of £3.5M, out bidding Jillytub. Taxbore Wanderers and Binnaway Blades seem to be happy with their squads as they didn't make any bids at all. Well, that's it until the beginning of November when Jillbao will have three players left with all bones intact.
Tuesday, 4 September 2007
Name the Cup
50% of the votes have been registered in the poll to nominate a name for the SSPA knockout competition. And the clear leader is The Jeff Stelling Shield with over 50% of the votes received. Our Jeff can be seen delivering the latest news and gasps on Sky's Saturday Soccer Weekend.
Receiving one vote so far is The Hendersons Relish Appreciation Cup. Made in Sheffield, the world's finest condiment (apart from malt vinegar) is rarely seen on sale outside of South Yorkshire. Superb on chips, gorgeous with cheese on toast and utterly delectable when liberally sprinkled on a pie crust of your choice, this ancient relish is even admired by Southerners. You can even use it to spice up your baked beans. See www.hendersonsrelish.com for more information.The Frankly Underrated Knockout Trophy is the only other op
tion to receive a vote so far. Personally I would have been happy to call it the simply titled Egg Cup. JUst look at this picture and tell me you couldn't knock one of these back now, with a bit of Hendersons on of course.Those that haven't voted thus far can do so now by simply visiting the Fantasy League SSPA home page.
SSPA Mini Auctions and Transfers Rules
Mini Auctions
The SSPA's official Free Agents List will be produced 24 hours prior to the auction. Only players on this list will be up for sale.
The auction is split in to two separate parts; firstly the blind bids are opened, then live bids follow until everyone is fed up of buying players.
Blind bids can not be out bid at the auction by a live bid.
Blind bids can be sent by email or written down.
The latest time for emailed bids on the day of the auction is 6.00pm. Any emailed bids received after this time will be void because the Chairman will be in the pub.
Blind bids can be brought along to the auction and can be written out and handed in at any time up until 8.00pm.
Second and third choices can be added to a blind bid in case the first bid fails.
If the manager is not going to be present at the auction, each player to be discarded for each player purchased must be included on the blind bid.
Bids must be in increments of £250K. FREE bids are allowed.
In the case of equal highest bids, the team placed lowest in the league will be successful in purchasing the player.
Discarded players are available for purchase when the live bids commence.
Players purchased on the night can not be released until the next auction unless it is to another SSPA club.
Managers must take responsibility for their own budgets.
Mistakes will be rectified when the transfers are processed, usually the following day.
Too many players from one club: Must release last player bought from that club.
Exceeded budget: Must release player that caused the manager to go over their budget.
Other Transfer Issues
When a player transfers out of the Premiership (e.g. to Spain or Accrington Stanley):
- The manager has the original purchase amount refunded to their account.
- This amount is available to use at a mini auction provided the departed player is discarded during the auction.
- All managers will be informed of the addition to the managers' budget.
When a player transfers from one Premiership club to another:
- The player is transferred out and then back in again to change the club identity of the player (Fantasy League do not do this automatically, because they are silly).
- If the SSPA team already has two players from that club then the player is not moved. However the manager must, on their next transaction, transfer out one of the three players from that Premiership club.
Transfer deals between SSPA managers can take place at any time provided the Chairman is informed of the deal. The only exclusions to this are at the main auction and within 24 hours of the start of a mini auction.
They can take place during the live bids part of the auction.
Only the SSPA Chairman is allowed to process player transfers.
The transfer deadline for all transfers is at the end of the March.
Saturday, 1 September 2007
Tosspot League Review
Reports from the games played between 21st and 27th August
Slinger's Ringers 9 Kings Road United 15
Bunny's boys were buzzing and put in a solid display against the Ringers at the Hun Stadium. Frankie Lampard Junior scored a goal to add to United's four clean sheets. However, the goal came at a price as it will be almost bonfire night before we see young Frankie again as he has torn his left thigh (ouch). Ashley Young assisted twice for Heir Riedlinger's team but it was to no avail.
VfB Skipton 5 Wandering Dog 10
Wandering Dog have an amazing 100% record in this competition. Yes, it reads played one won one. Nicolas Anelka continued his impressive start to the season with a goal and an assist to steal the points from Wild Bill's clutches. Andrei Voronin opened his account for Skippo with the same points combination but the rest of the team offered little else.
AFC Grumpledon 6 Binnaway Blades -1
Wes Brown and Mark Viduka combined to give the defending Tosspot League champions the perfect start at home to Binnaway. After the Sydney outfit's amazing start the week before there were some predicting a shock victory but Grumps is a wily old fox and Binnaway never got out of the starting block.
Armitage Shankers 2 Smegma United 11
The Shankers faithful were left bemused by this off colour performance in this local derby encounter at Bogside. The Smeggers clean sheeted their way to a win but Matt Oakley added a goal to rub salt in to Pip's wounds. Purps goes to the top of the league courtesy of this fine victory.
Bruce's Bangers 6 Taxbore Wanderers 11
Taxbore Wanderers have made their best start to an SSPA season for 79 years and they carried their form through to the Tosspot League. Torres the bull and Nani Goat scored the goals for Laughing Glavesy's team. Vidic and Evra responded with clean sheets but the Bores were far too strong for the Bangers.
Unathletico Jillbao 6 Somerset Fruitcakes 5
Midfield boys Cesc Fibreglass and Gary Speed helped themselves to goals in this narrowest of victories for Jillbao. The two, so far escaping the Curse of Jillbao, rattled home a goal each while Drogba (assist) and Santa Cruz (goal) replied for the Cakes.
Slinger's Ringers 9 Kings Road United 15
Bunny's boys were buzzing and put in a solid display against the Ringers at the Hun Stadium. Frankie Lampard Junior scored a goal to add to United's four clean sheets. However, the goal came at a price as it will be almost bonfire night before we see young Frankie again as he has torn his left thigh (ouch). Ashley Young assisted twice for Heir Riedlinger's team but it was to no avail.
VfB Skipton 5 Wandering Dog 10
Wandering Dog have an amazing 100% record in this competition. Yes, it reads played one won one. Nicolas Anelka continued his impressive start to the season with a goal and an assist to steal the points from Wild Bill's clutches. Andrei Voronin opened his account for Skippo with the same points combination but the rest of the team offered little else.
AFC Grumpledon 6 Binnaway Blades -1
Wes Brown and Mark Viduka combined to give the defending Tosspot League champions the perfect start at home to Binnaway. After the Sydney outfit's amazing start the week before there were some predicting a shock victory but Grumps is a wily old fox and Binnaway never got out of the starting block.
Armitage Shankers 2 Smegma United 11
The Shankers faithful were left bemused by this off colour performance in this local derby encounter at Bogside. The Smeggers clean sheeted their way to a win but Matt Oakley added a goal to rub salt in to Pip's wounds. Purps goes to the top of the league courtesy of this fine victory.
Bruce's Bangers 6 Taxbore Wanderers 11
Taxbore Wanderers have made their best start to an SSPA season for 79 years and they carried their form through to the Tosspot League. Torres the bull and Nani Goat scored the goals for Laughing Glavesy's team. Vidic and Evra responded with clean sheets but the Bores were far too strong for the Bangers.
Unathletico Jillbao 6 Somerset Fruitcakes 5
Midfield boys Cesc Fibreglass and Gary Speed helped themselves to goals in this narrowest of victories for Jillbao. The two, so far escaping the Curse of Jillbao, rattled home a goal each while Drogba (assist) and Santa Cruz (goal) replied for the Cakes.
Friday, 31 August 2007
Wednesday, 29 August 2007
The Curse of Jillbao....
Has struck early this season - Kieron Dyer suffers double leg break (ouch!). Wonder who I can condemn to a season of rehab next?
Tuesday, 28 August 2007
Smeggers put Shankers in their place
Despite the best efforts of a mediocre Armitage side the mighty Smeggers have notched up another a victory in the Tosspot League.
Friday, 24 August 2007
Creating a new post..
I can create a new post but can't think of a reason why I should... please discuss
Thursday, 23 August 2007
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
Week 01 – Tiddles’ Binnaway Rejects Ride High
Alrighty then, let's see how long I can keep this up.
The Shanters and Slappers Premier Alliance entered it's eighth season on Thursday 16th August with one of the best attended auctions in it's history. Only Tiddles (Sydney) and Wild Bill (Stuttgart) couldn't make it but ten others did, including the returning Fruitcake and a new member in Scott. I still can't think of a nickname for the new boy so any good ideas will be gratefully received.
The auction was a torrid affair as usual. Chairman Pip was banging the gavel again, Jillytub and Laughing Glavesy brewed up their fiery beans and Purplytub poured the (many) drinks. Fruitcake provided the injury news which was sorely missed last season. Fritz brought with him 'Controversy', his trusty bedfellow of many a year. Grumps smoked his Castellas despite the smoking ban in place since early summer. Scott looked bemused at the set of freaks he volunteered to join in this season and Sardine arrived late after another exhilarating day at the orifice.
A few highs and lows of the evening:
Most £s spent on one player: £16.00M by Fruitcake on Didier Drogba of Chelsea
Most £s spent on a midfielder: £15.50M by Purplytub on Ronaldo of Manchester United
Most £s spent on a defender: £12.25M by Bugs Birney on John Terry of Chelsea
Most £s spent on a goalkeeper: £7.00M by Purplytub on Petr Cech of Chelsea
Most players bought from a Premiership club: 20 Chelsea
Least players bought from a Premiership club: 1 Birmingham
Most £s spent on players from one Premiership club: £83.00M Chelsea
Least £s spent on players from one Premiership club: £0.00 Birmingham & Sunderland
Least money spent at the auction by a manager: Grumps £30.00M
The first week
In a bizarre twist, the two managers who scrapped over the scraps on the 
Friday after the auction topped the SSPA after week one of the new season. WankWank Kanu failed to catch the eye of the eager bidders at the auction but after jetting out to Sydney on the Friday morning and agreeing terms with the Binnaway boss (see picture on right), he soon showed those bidders what they missed with seven points. All of Tiddles' other points came from defenders; three clean sheets and Ulises De La Cruz's (UDLC) assist and point for playing (pfp). So, a mighty total of 19 put the Binnaway Blades top and they were five points clear of VfB Stuttgart who also made a fine start thanks to John Utaka's five points and three clean sheets. Expect to see some German discipline instilled in to Wild Bill's side this season as his diet of sauerkraut and chips begins to kick-in big style.
Down at the bottom are Smegma United. They only had an Ivar Ingimarsson clean sheet and a Matty Derbyshire assist to show for their endeavours. Purplytub is level with the hapless Jillytub and the disappointing, under-achieving Bunny but the Smeggers are bottom on lack of goals scored.
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