Transfer News

There was a good gathering of managers at the first mini auction of the 2007/08 season. A 58% turnout saw Chairman Pip, Purplytub, Sardine, Captain Scott, Fritz, Fruitcake and Bunny show up at the Griffin for a feast of beer and chips. Seen on the right are Captain Scott, Fritz and Fruitcake enjoying some delicious fat soaked chips on a balmy evening in Brentford. The others were playing darts at the time where Purplytub took the honours. Fruitcake later defeated Pip with an outstanding display of dart scattering.

Before all that, Fritz splashed out £5M on Brett Emerton of Blackburn and disposed of the evil Puffin Killer Herman Hreidarsson. This was the most expensive transfer of the evening but Captain Scott was the biggest spender. Recouping £1.5M for Arjen Robben he then proceeded to splash out a total of £6M on El Hadj Diouf and Baby Bouma and later added Emile Heskey to his squad on a free. What a week it has been for Heskey, recall to the England squad and a passport back in to the SSPA courtesy of Wandering Dog. Scotty also got rid of Heinze and Alan 'Smithy' Smith of Newcastle.

Wild Bill was shrewd with his millions lying in the bank and purchased Diomansy Kamara of Fulham and disposed of Stern John. Sardine brought in Forsell and McFadden for McBride and Ballack. Peter Crouch, fearing that his legs may snap at any given moment, asked for a transfer away from Jillbao. Jillytub duly obliged and let the tall man go, bringing in Mido as his replacement. Crouchy was then approached by Kings Road boss, Bugs Birney, and signed on the dotted line for the current league leaders. Unathletico also picked up Bruno N'Zogbia and got rid of the crocked Kieran Dyer. Bunny let Benjani go in the Crouch deal and completed his dealings on the night with the signing of Dempsey of Fulham, Lee Cooke was shown the door to make way.

Fruitcake bought two claret and blue clad players; Laursen of Villa and Upson of the CCC (Cheating Cockney C**nts). He released Distin and Nigel Reo-Coker. Nigel was unhappy at the Fruitcakes and was keen to join the more ambitious Armitage Shankers. Nige and Pip struck up a deal and the England player, so impressive in the first few games of the season, will be proudly wearing the Shankers shirt next week. Pip had to juggle his squad to make way for the boy Reo-Coker and Berger and Bianchi were given their P45s. Tommy Huddlestone was brought in on a free transfer to complete what's looks to be the league's best midfield down at Bogside Lane.

Grumps traded Benayoun for the incoming Smertin at a cost of £3.5M, out bidding Jillytub. Taxbore Wanderers and Binnaway Blades seem to be happy with their squads as they didn't make any bids at all. Well, that's it until the beginning of November when Jillbao will have three players left with all bones intact.