SSPA 2012/13 - Week 2 Report

The Bank Holiday weekend saw no change at the top as John Terry’s All Gold kept up their stranglehold of the SSPA with another ten points.  The Berkshire based duo of TAM TUFF and Jillytub kept up the pressure as they filled positions two and three respectively.  Down at the bottom many teams exchanged places in 15^th place but Royal Somerset Fruitcakes took up residence until next week after a poor return of two points.

Week 2 Top Scorers – Taxbore Wanderers

It had been an auspicious start for the Teddington teams in week one but Laughing Glavesy has changed all that as her team plundered 14 points to leap up to fourth place in the SSPA.  With two goals and an assist Fernando Torres repaid a chunk of his £7.50M price tag to help the Taxbores rise up the table.  Bobby Zamora and Shinji Kagawa got on the score sheet for the first time this season while Frankie Lampard doubled his total to six.  Glavesy was only let down by her defence as Shay Given scored minus two while Dickensian sounding James Tomkins of West Ham scored minus one.

The Nearly Men – The Minstrels

In what was a very good week for the Teddington teams the Minstrels also scored comparatively high points.  Robert Huth claimed a clean sheet while Fellaini, Toure and Di Santo scored goals to take the Chefs up to ninth from their poor starting position.

Almost Pointless – Wasteland United

Poland’s finest came down to Earth with a bump after their good start.  Ashley Williams once again proved he has been a canny signing with his second clean out of two but points proved hard to come by elsewhere as Chummy Linski’s team fell from second to fifth.  Danny Simpson and Steven Taylor both suffered with a minus point each as Wasteland could only muster a single point in total.

Player of the Week – Eden Hazard

Once again Bugs Birney has proved that he has an eye for talent (either that or he is dead jammy).  A few eyebrows were raised at the auction when Bunny shelled out £14M for the Belgian attacking midfielder but with 15 points in three games it looks like money well spent.  The ex-Lille player had a slight advantage over most in that he played two games during the week but all you can do is score points and that is just what he did with three more assists and a goal.  And John Terry’s All Gold definitely needed those points as the defence were hit for six minus points.

Chump of the Week – Ian Harte

Buying Reading defenders was always going to be a mistake and in the case of 34 year old Irishman Ian Harte the Smeggers have bought themselves a duffer.  The Royals were beaten 4-2 by Chelsea and similar results must surely follow.

Bargain of the Season (so far) – Branislav Ivanovic

Well he may look like he’s smelled something putrid in this photo but Ivanovic is proving to be a bargain buy for Pip.  And it’s a good job the Serbian international has scored 11 points for the Shankers as that is almost 80% of their total so far.  But what a bargain at £1.25M.

Expensive Mistake of the Season (so far) – Sergio Aguero

At a cost of £18M to Wandering Dog, Aguero is currently the second most expensive player in the SSPA.  The Argentinian was brutally hacked down by All Gold’s Patsy Clyne before he had a chance to make an impact and now looks to be ruled out for at least a month with a knee injury.  Yes, I know it’s the same write up as last week but I reckon £18M for zero points still takes it from his nearest competitors Big Joe Harte and Vincent Kompany who have both totalled minus two for £10M.

Assist droughts for three teams

Every team in the SSPA has now managed a goal but three teams are still looking for their first assist of the season.  Whiptail Lizards, currently sixth, aren’t doing too badly but a couple of assists would have put them right up there with the leaders.  Big Euge’s problem is that he only has four midfielders as he went for the weird choice of having four full backs.  The Shankers problem is that only one of their midfield players has bothered to play and Joe Allen has done little to suggest he might notch up a bag full of assists.  As for Inter Meringue, last week’s quest was to score a goal so this week’s must be to get an assist.  Cabaye of Newcastle looks to be the man most likely to for Keezer.

Tosspot League

The Tosspot League kicked of its season with the unusual of sight of Wild Bill being at the top of a league table and the fact that two games were drawn.  A clean sheet each for Meerkatsucker and Luiz added to Naismith’s assist delighted the Settle Sounders faithful in their 7-4 victory over Wandering Dog.  Duncity United went second in the embryonic Tosspot table with a 10-8 away win at the New Knobcheese Stadium.  Goals for Danny Graham and Carlos Tevez plus an assist from Karl Pilkington were enough to beat the Smeggers.  There were narrow wins also for the Fruitcakes, Minstrels and Shankers.  Inter Meringue put in a heroic performance to grab a draw at All Gold while Not So Athletic Athletic and the Lizards shared 16 points.

Results from 21-27 August

The Tosspot League Table

Fixtures for 28 Aug to 3 Sep

The stand out fixture for this week has to be Settle Sounders first ever trip to The Minstrels (I just typed ‘Monstrels’ which sounds much funnier).  Both teams have maximum points so this could be an excellent opportunity to lead the table after week two.  Taxbore Wanderers get their Tosspot season going with an exciting looking game against the Smeggers who are still reeling from their defeat to Duncity.

Taxbore Wanderers v Smegma United

Inter Meringue v Wasteland United

Duncity United v Not So Athletic Athletic

C NUT FC v John Terry’s All Gold

Whiptail Lizards v Unathletico Jillbao

Wandering Dog v Armitage Shankers

The Minstrels v Settle Sounders

No game: Royal Somerset Fruitcakes

Click here to see more details on the Tosspot League.

Auction

The first auction will be held on Friday 7 September at the Hobgoblin in Reading.  Blind bids to be opened at 8pm.  TAM TUFF is organising a fun bicycle ride the following day if anyone fancies some Wiggo action.

Premier League Transfers

The only transfer activity since the last report is the move from Manchester City to Tottingham of the Togolese striker Emmanuel Adebayor.  This means that the Shankers now have two Spuzz players and one less City player.

SSPA 2012/13 - Week 1 Report

The 2012/13 season got underway on a hot and steamy August weekend but nothing much changed as far as league positions are concerned as John Terry’s All Gold begin this term in the same way as they ended the previous campaign by occupying the top spot.  And one of last year’s top three teams is also back in third place as the Smeggers make an impressive start to the season.  It isn’t all ‘same old same old’ though as league newcomers Wasteland United reside in second place.  Down at the bottom it’s been a tough return to fantasy league action for Keezer as his Inter Meringue team prop up the rest of the division.

Week 1 Wonders – John Terry’s All Gold

Carrying on from where he left off last year, Bugs Birney, with his new charges made up of seven Englishmen, a couple of boyos from Wales and six other Europeans scored 19 points to take up the top position in the SSPA.  Bunny invested £14M in the talents of the Belgian Eden Hazard and with two assists in the first week it’s looking like money well spent.  Englishmen Jermaine Defoe and Kevin Nolan provided the goals while Irishman Shane Long got All Gold’s other assist of the week.  Clean sheets came from Taylor, Collins and Hangeland while Patsy Clyne was the only blotch on the copy book with two minus points.

The Nearly Men – Wasteland United and Smegma United

Chummy Linski made a respectable start to his SSPA career by scoring 17 points to go second in the league.  Free signing Liam Ridgewell was Wasteland United’s top scorer with five points (a goal and an assist) while Foster, Williams, Sinclair and Dickie ‘Dickie’ Lambert all chipped in with three points each.  Meanwhile TAM TUFF was indebted to Wayne Routledge’s four points to cancel out the four points lost by John Ruddy who suffered after the Cottagers gave the Canaries a good stuffing.  Rangel, Terry, Jagielka, Hughes and Le Fondeler all helped the Smeggers cause with three points each while Lallana popped in with an assist.

Almost Pointless

It’s been a long time coming but the return of the famous Inter Meringue (well, they are sort of famous in a quiet corner of Sheffield where Ronseal varnish is manufactured) was welcomed by many in the game.  However, it isn’t the start club supremo Keezer (or Kaiser Willhelm IV to give him his full name) would have wanted.  It wasn’t looking too bad as Meringue were cushioned from the bottom by a couple of other new clubs but suddenly the blanket was pulled from beneath them at some point on Monday night during the Toffees’ clash with Man Ure.  Kevin Richardson scored Meringue’s only positive points with a clean sheet but a negative point each for Kompany and Kaboul let the side down.

Player of the Week – Mladen Petrić

Unathletico Jillbao manager Jillytub purchased Petrić for £0.25M at the auction and at a cost of £31,250 per point he is already looking like a sound investment.  The Croatian striker who has over 40 caps to his name played a major part in Halfbacon’s rout of Norwich at the Cottage with two goals and assist.

Chump of the Week – Rob Green

There were four players that scored four negative points this week but seeing as Green is the most expensive signing of the group at a cost of £1.50M to Scotty Dog of Wandering Dog and the fact that he was playing at home at Fortress Loftus Road he definitely deserves the accolade.

Bargain of the Season (so far) - Mladen Petrić

It’s early days yet but there are a few contenders for the bargain of the season, those being: Ridgewell (5pts for nowt) and Routledge (4pts for bugger all).  However, the lad Petrić is out there with a point to pound ratio of 32 points per £1M.  Not a bad investment in anyone’s book.

Expensive Mistake of the Season (so far) – Sergio Aguero

At a cost of £18M to Wandering Dog, Aguero is currently the second most expensive player in the SSPA.  The Argentinian was brutally hacked down by All Gold’s Patsy Clyne before he had a chance to make an impact and now looks to be ruled out for at least a month with a knee injury.

All we are saying is ‘Give us a goal’

Three SSPA teams are still awaiting their first netbuster.  Wandering Dog, Not So Athletic Athletic and Inter Meringue went the entire first week without a goal.  With Aguero out of action Scotty Dog will have to rely on Suarez for that first goal while The Landlord will be hoping his Queens Park Ranger boys Cisse and Taarabt can score at Saturday’s Clash of the Thrashed at Carrow Road.  With only two strikers in his squad Keezer’s chances of a goal are limited but seeing as those players are RVP and Jellybitch he must surely have a chance next week.

Tosspot League

With so many teams in this year’s SSPA eventually there will be many managers finding themselves immersed in mid-table mediocrity.  This is where the other competitions come in to give those managers hope.  The Tosspot League kicks off this week (points taken from 21^st to 27^th August count) and continues until the end of February as each team play each other once on a head to head basis.  With the stand out fixture being the current Tosspot League champions John Terry’s All Gold coming up against the SSPA’s bottom team, this week’s fixtures are as follows:

Wasteland United v Royal Somerset Fruitcakes

Smegma United v Duncity United

John Terry’s All Gold v Inter Meringue

Not So Athletic Athletic v Whiptail Lizards

Armitage Shankers v CNUT FC

Unathletico Jillbao v The Minstrels

Settle Sounders v Wandering Dog

No game: Taxbore Wanderers

Click here to see more details on the Tosspot League.

Auction

The first auction will be held on Friday 7 September at the Hobgoblin in Reading.  Blind bids to be opened at 8pm.  TAM TUFF is organising a fun bicycle ride the following day if anyone fancies some Wiggo action.

Premier League Transfers

Just two more transfers to add to the list since the last correspondence.  Some bloke called Robin Van Persie has moved from Arsenal to Manchester United meaning that Inter Meringue now have three Red Devils.  He will have to part with either RVP, Paul Scholes or Rafael if Keezer makes a transfer.  Alex Song went for a song at the auction costing Jillbao just £0.50M but Jillytub will have that amount refunded as soon as she transfers the ex-Arsenal player out of her squad.  The Cameroonian midfielder moved to Barcelona earlier this week.

Pen Portraits 2012/13

More people are playing in the SSPA this year than ever before.  Here is the who's who of the SSPA and an expert prediction of their chances for the season ahead.

Nick Birney  - AKA Bugs Birney or Bunny – John Terry’s All Gold

The current champion with his club John Terry’s All Gold.  Bunny is one of the most successful managers in SSPA history, made possible by his sobriety at auctions.  His achievement of winning three SSPA titles is only matched by Pip.  He is infamous for ‘supporting’ a number of football clubs such as Nottingham Forest, Wycombe Wanderers, Chelsea and Arsenal…   …there are probably a few more to add but I can’t think of them at the moment.

Honours:  SSPA (2006, 2008 & 2012), Tosspot League (2008 & 2012)

Key signing:  Eden Hazard (CHE)

Prediction:  Bunny is always there or thereabouts but never wins the league two years on the trot.  He is relying too much on the unknown quantity of Hazard and the performance of an ageing Stevie Gerrard.  Will push the eventual winners all the way but will have to be satisfied with a top three spot.

Jill Broughton – AKA Jillytub – Unathletico Jillbao

Jillytub’s most notable achievement was winning the Up Yer Clunge Cup in 2003 with a 22-11 thrashing of FC Bugs Bunnies.  She was also runner up to a rampant Samui Hotshots in the same year and has been second in the Tosspot League three times including being pipped by Pip in the first season when level on points.  Jillbao moved to a new out-of-town location last season and they hoped this would bring them success but a dreadful season saw them finish bottom of the SSPA.  Jillytub has had an allegiance to Spurs ever since having a fumble with Glenn Hoddle back in her teenage Harlow days.

Honours:  Up Yer Clunge Cup (2003)

Key signing:  Demba Ba (NEW)

Prediction:  Unathletico have a strong defence with Ashley Cole, Clichy and Vermaelen but look a little lean in midfield and up front.  Will do better than last year but without further investment Jillytub may be languishing in mid-table.

Bill Wakelam – AKA Wild Bill – Settle Sounders

Wild Bill represents the northern extremity of the SSPA’s reach as he resides in the wilds of the Yorkshire Dales.  Originally from Clay Cross and a stout Chesterfield fan he has yet to trouble the scorers in the SSPA.  However, contrary to popular belief his teams have yet to finish bottom in the main league although he did hold up the rest of the Tosspot League in 2011.  Wild Bill normally finishes the auction with the most money left but this year saw his mantle stolen by the Minstrels.

Honours:  None

Key signing:  Edin Dzeko (MC)

Prediction: With Settle Sounders Wild Bill has one of his best chances of silverware to date.  There has been a sea-change in his thought process as he has bought six strikers.  With the squad he has and the money left in the bank he should look forward to a place in the top six and, with that strike force, a chance of taking Eugene’s Onion Bag title.

Melanie Glaves – AKA Laughing Glavesy  or LG – Taxbore Wanderers

Called ‘Laughing Glavesy’ after the famous Laurel and Hardy dog, ‘Laughing Gravy’ LG has one single title to her name when the Taxbores won the league in 2009 beating Bugs Birney by just five points.  Wanderers fans still talk about this like Sheffield Wednesday fans talk about winning the Rumbelows Cup in the 90s.  The Fiscal Street trophy cabinet has been empty ever since and last season will be one to forget for the Taxbore faithful.  Glavesy works as a tax technician in London’s bustling Regents Park area and supports Sheffield United.

Honours:  SSPA (2009)

Key signing:  Fernando Torres (CHE)

Prediction:  It remains to be seen if the added responsibility of becoming the SSPA Events Co-ordinator affected LG’s purchasing skills at the auction.  Much is expected of Kagawa after some impressive friendly outings and Torres must surely have a better season especially after collecting the Euro Golden Boot award.  The Taxbores can probably expect a top six SSPA placing, a good run in the Jeff Stelling Shield and will be there or thereabouts in the Tosspot League.

Steve Broughton – AKA TAM TUFF, Tam, Tammy, Purplytub or Purps – Smegma United

Possibly the most extrovert character in the SSPA.  Despite a Tosspot League title and a couple of cup wins to his name the closest he has come to winning the SSPA was the most famous ending to the season of all.  In 2010 the Smeggers were 26 points behind the Shankers going into the last day’s action with Chelsea v Wigan the focal point of the day.  Purps clawed all the points back as Chelsea were rampant against the hapless Lancastrians and then a penalty was awarded but Drogba grabbed the ball from Lampard and took it himself.  If Lamps had taken it Purps would have won but finished one point behind Pip (who was shitting himself for most of the match).  For his sins Purps follows the fortunes of Sheffield United.

Honours:  Tosspot League (2010), Up Yer Clunge Cup (2004), Jeff Stelling Shield (2010)

Key signing:  Gareth ‘Monkey Man’ Bale (TOT)

Prediction:  Purps went for an all British Isles selection and this will rebound on him big style.  Expect a bottom-half finish for the Knobcheese Lane outfit.

Phil Broughton – AKA Pip, Pipodopolos, Pipe, Stanley Pipe, Podge, Mr Fuller – Armitage Shankers

Pip’s victory in last season’s Jeff Stelling Shield Final means he keeps one trophy ahead of Bunny in the SSPA Legends List.  Not one to blow his own trumpet, Pip is a studious quiet man known for his love of Sheffield United and pies.  He has been involved in the two closest finishes in SSPA history, losing by one point in 2001 and winning by the same in 2010.  The Shankers have moved to a new purpose built stadium in South London where they hope to establish a new fan base.

Honours:  SSPA (2002, 2005 & 2010), Tosspot League (2001 & 2002), Jeff Stelling Shield (2012)

Key signing:  Mario Balotelli (MC)

Prediction:  It looks like the Shankers are going 4-3-3 this season but that they also have added a solid back line to their usual attacking flair.  Should be a good season for Pip and it is hard to see anyone stopping him adding more trophies to his burgeoning collection.  A main title contender.

James Cook – AKA Cookie – C NUT FC

Cookie is still a novice but is learning quickly.  Last season’s runner up position in the SSPA was a warning to the rest of the league to sit up and take notice.  With his favourite football team, the Wednesday of Sheffield, above their local rivals (for the first time in decade and a bit), he has suddenly begun looking out for their results.  Technically a Derbyshire boy as records show his mother was thrown out of Yorkshire just as he was born which meant he was unable to sign up for the best county cricket team in England.  C NUT will be playing their games in West Ewell and are the most southerly team in the SSPA.

Honours:  None

Key signing:  Wayne Rooney (MU)

Prediction:  With £20M spent on Rooney, Cookie had to wheel and deal to bring in the players to support his big star.  If Rooney plays like he did for England then the rest of the SSPA can ignore the aforementioned warning.  It is unlikely that C NUT will reach the dizzy heights of second this season but Cookie’s competitive spirit could see him sneak one of the other three titles.

Eugene Walker – AKA Big Euge – Whiptail Lizards

The Lizards signed up for SSPA action for the first time last season and promptly went and won the inaugural Onion Bag League and finished a commendable fifth place in the SSPA.  Euge is a bit like Eric Cantona or Vinny Jones in reverse in that he started with an acting career but then moved into football.  He supports two clubs at opposite ends of the spectrum, in Arsenal and Accrington Stanley (yes, ‘Who are they?’).  The Lizards play their games in posh Kew.

Honours:  Onion Bag League (2012)

Key signing:  Andy Carroll (LIV)

Prediction:  On paper the Lizards don’t look to have what it takes to compete at the highest level.  But don’t let that fool you, Euge has an ability to make a sow’s arse out of a silk ear (is that right?).  The Lizards won’t trouble the SSPA Trophy winning team etcher but they may pick up one of the other trophies on offer.

Duncan Phillips – Dunc or The Sheriff – Duncity United

The boy Phillips is a cad and resembles The Sheriff of Nottingham from one of those Errol Flynn films back in the 60s or something.  His age is a mystery, mainly as he won’t tell anyone what it is but there are a few of us expecting a big celebration soon and it’s not 18, 21 or 30.  Originally from a well-to-do home in Cambridge he now resides in Strand on the Green ish.  He played his first season in the SSPA last year and ended up a creditable fourth missing out on a European spot by the skin of his beard.

Honours:  None

Key signing:  Karl Pilkington (SKY)

Prediction:  Duncan has built a solid all round team that, in terms of last season’s points scored, is the best of the lot.  Although this can be passed off as meaningless statistical nonsense you can’t ignore the facts.  Could be added to the small list of SSPA title winners by May 2013.

Steve Birney – AKA Fruitcake – Royal Somerset Fruitcakes

After a four season break Fruitcake as returned to the fold.  After winning the SSPA in 2004 the Somerset Fruitcakes endured the heartbreak of being the runners up on three occasions in four years.  Two of these years his brother won the title.  This was too much to take for Fruitcake, he couldn’t cope and left the game to make babies.  Now on his return it will be interesting to see if he can get back to winning ways.  Somerset now play their games in Reading and Fruitcake himself is, from what I remember, a Manchester United fan, or a Wycombe fan, or whichever team is doing best at the time, a bit like his brother.

Honours:  SSPA (2004), Up Yer Clunge Cup (2005)

Key signing:  Lukas Podolski

Prediction:  Fruitcake is always sniffing around at the top of the table but is ultimately a choker.  He has built a stable defence but he is relying too much on the attacking spearhead of Podolski and Bent.  The game has changed while he’s been away and it’s hard to see him making an impact this season.

Kieran Green – AKA Keez or Keezer – Inter Meringue

Inter Meringue were famous for being famous back in the 1990s when they competed in the Ronseal Premier League alongside Armitage Shankers.  Keezer was an enigma then.  Even the story of his nickname being name-checked by Sheffield legend Jarvis Cocker in the Pulp song ‘Sorted for E’s and Whizz’ had a whiff of fantasy about it.  It’s taken a while for him to come out of retirement but it always seemed inevitable it would happen.  Has he matured?  Keezer is a Sheffield Wednesday fan as was shown by him sporting Chrissy Waddle’s face on his t-shirt at the auction.

Honours:   None

Key signing:  Robin Van Persie (ARS)

Prediction:  You don’t just walk into the SSPA and start winning the title, so not a contender.  Even if RVP has a season like last year it didn’t do the Shankers any good.  And what if he sods off to Juventus (RVP, not Keezer), Meringue will be in dire straits, mostly likely playing bass guitar.  Bottom three for Inter as that’s where they used to finish in the Ronseal Premier League.

Scott Allum – AKA Scotty, Scotty Dog or Scott E Dog – Wandering Dog

Another manager returning to the fold.  Scott won the SSPA in 2011 and then relaxed for a year.  In the four years he competed he never finished below third in the Tosspot League and won it twice and won the Up Yer Clunge Cup in 2008 for good measure.  The Dog supports Spurs and Wycombe Wanderers when he feels like it.

Honours:  SSPA (2011), Tosspot League (2009 & 2011), Up Yer Clunge Cup (2008)

Key signing:  Sergio Aguero (MC)

Prediction:  Scott put together a good attacking unit before jetting off to his Bournemouth holiday retreat.  He was last seen eating chips on the sun-drenched beach, a sign of a man who knows that he has created a title winning squad.  Favourites for the SSPA title.

Greg Chmielinski – AKA Chimmy Linksi, Chummy Lumkins, Old Greg – Wasteland United

A new addition to the SSPA but not one without Fantasy League experience.  Old Greg spent last season managing in the RPA Youth League and created another online game that I didn’t quite understand, as I was lashed at the time.  He counts himself as one of those Manchester United fans but I’m not quite sure who is Polish team is.  What we do know is that he is not fond of Scousers or Germans.

Honours:  None

Key signing:  Clint Dempsey

Prediction:  Old Greg is an unknown quantity for the SSPA but he lives and breathes fantasy league football and looks to be one to watch.  He doesn’t currently have the squad to bring in an SSPA title but could spend most of the season in the top five.

The Minstrels – AKA The Chefs – The Minstrels

Who are these people?  If memory serves me right they are the first trio to manage an SSPA team.  Dave was the representative at the auction and didn’t buy a player until two hours in.  They have almost £25M left; was this part of the plan?

Honours:  None

Key signing:  Danny Welbeck

Prediction:  Looking at the current team there could well be a new wooden spoon presented to our team of chefs at the end of the season.  However, they have all that money burning a hole in their checked trousers but a prediction of somewhere in the bottom four for these inexperienced omelette tossers.

Dermot McCann – AKA The Landlord or just Lord – Not So Athletic Athletic (AKA NSAA)

I don’t know much about Dermot except that he runs a top pub and serves top quality pints (creep creep).  Seems like he has a place in his heart for Queens Park Rangers though, but we won’t hold that against him, we suffered fans of that team in the SSPA before, and we’ll probably suffer them again.

Honours:  None

Key signing:  Theo Walcott

Prediction:  To say Dermot didn’t know what the hell Fantasy League was all about just 15 minutes before the auction he hasn’t put a bad squad together.  Having said that, the SSPA is a tough school and Dermot could soon find himself struggling at the foot of the table.