Jeff Stelling Shield - Quarter Finals - LIVE UPDATE

FINAL SCORES

Kings Road United v Naked Ladies 2-4
Heskey Goal for Kings Road
Emerton concedes second goal for Kings Road
Emerton concedes third goal for Kings Road
Vidic keeps clean sheet for Kings Road
Gutierrez Assist for Ladies
James concedes second goal for Kings Road
James concedes third goal for Kings Road
Noble Assist for Ladies

Somerset Fruitcakes v Slinger's Ringers 8-2
Fabregas Assist for Ringers
Dossena concedes second goal for Fruitcakes
Carragher concedes second goal for Fruitcakes
Friedel concedes second goal for Fruitcakes
Osman Assist for Fruitcakes
Ferdinand keeps clean sheet for Fruitcakes
Owen Goal for Fruitcakes
Bellamy Goal for Fruitcakes

Eintracht Skipton v Armitage Shankers 9-14
Adebayor Goal for Shankers
Valencia Assist for Skippo
Valencia Goal for Skippo
Robinson concedes second goal for Shankers
Kuyt Assist for Skippo
Agbonlahor Goal for Shankers
Barry Assist for Shankers
Steinsson concedes second goal for Skippo
Agbonlahor Goal for Shankers
Steinsson concedes third goal for Skippo
Agbonlahor Assist for Shankers
Valencia Assist for Skippo
Robinson concedes third goal for Shankers
Steinsson Assist for Skippo
Yobo keeps clean sheet for Shankers
Distin concedes second goal for Skippo
Ameobi Assist for Skippo
Distin concedes third goal for Skippo

R-Dick-U-Lose v Unathletico Jillbao 11-15
Aliadiere Goal for Jillbao
Davies Assist for Jillbao
Reina concedes second goal for Jillbao
Cisse Assist for Dickies
Laursen Assist for Dickies
O'Brien concedes second goal for Jillbao
Cisse Goal for Dickies
Young Assist for Jillbao
O'Brien concedes third goal for Jillbao
Young Goal for Jillbao
O'Brien concedes fourth goal for Jillbao
Davies Goal for Jillbao
Laursen concedes second goal for Dickies
Kirkland keeps clean sheet for Dickies
Ferdinand keeps clean sheet for Dickies
Hangeland keeps clean sheet for Jillbao
Traore concedes a goal for Dickies
Traore concedes second goal for Dickies
Anelka Goal for Dickies

Tosspot News and Other Stuff

It's so tight at the top that Taxbore Wanderers slumped down to fifth place after their first defeat of the season away to Jillbao. Wandering Dog went back to the summit after scraping an unimpressive 3-2 victory at home to the Ringers. Fritz's boys ended last season with four straight wins but have started this one with six straight defeats and are the only thing stopping Armitage Shankers from being bottom after their fourth defeat on the trot. It was brave performance against the dangerous Kings Road but Bunnies team scraped a victory.

The Fruitcakes are looking good at the moment and easily beat Skipton while the Naked Ladies put their last two performances behind them with a great performance over in Grumpledon. The Smeggers revival continued with an away day thrashing of R-Dick-U-Lose.

Fruitcakes 13 Skippo 7
Grumpledon 8 Naked Ladies 9
R-Dick-U-Lose 5 Smeggers 15
Jillbao 16 Taxbores 11
Kings Road 5 Shankers 4
Wandering Dog 3 Ringers 2
















That's if for Tosspot League action until Tuesday 6th January.

This will probably also be the week of the next auction so let me know which day is best that week.

The Jeff Stelling Shield (or Stumpy Cup) Quarter Finals take place from 9th to 15th December, more on that at the weekend.

In the Champions League it's gloomy news as Kings Road United have suffered four straight defeats and are already out of the competition with two games to play. The good news is that Somerset Fruitcakes are already through in the UEFA Cup group after winning all four of their games. Grumpledon have made a poor start to their campaign but can rescue thingss by beating Spartak Tooting and Town's Lost Boys.

Tosspot League - Results 20/11/08

Taxbore Wanderers and Somerset Fruitcakes did battle in a second versus third tussle at Fiscal Park which ended with the Bores keeping alive the only unbeaten record in the Tosspot League. The two teams fought out a memorable 12-12 draw and the point was enough to see Wanderers take top spot just days before Laughing Glavesy's birthday. Wandering Dog lost their place at the summit after a shock 14-8 defeat down at Nobcheese Lane as Smegma United secured their first win since August.

AFC Grumpledon edged out Armitage Shankers as the Bogside outfit succumbed to their third successive defeat. The Naked Ladies lost again as Kings Road United, slowly returning to form, beat them 8-3. It's embarrassing times for Fritz as he watched his team keep their 100% record, yes, that's five out of five defeats this season. This time it was R-Dick-U_lose who picked up the easy three points. Jillbao continued their climb away from the bottom after a 12-8 win over Eintracht Skipton.

Taxbores 12 Fruitcakes 12
Shankers 3 Grumpledon 4
Ringers 1 R-Dick-U-Lose 8
Skippo 8 Jillbao 12
Naked Ladies 3 Kings Road 8
Smeggers 14 Wandering Dog 8


















The next set of Tosspot League fixtures are coming right up, this weekend:

Fruitcakes v Skippo
Grumpledon v Naked Ladies
R-Dick-U-Lose v Smeggers
Jillbao v Taxbores
Kings Road v Shankers
Wandering Dog v Ringers

These will be the last Tosspot League fixtures until January 2009 so make the most of 'em.

No Crunch For Cash-Rich Skippo

Wild Bill spent over £20M as he made major changes to his Eintracht Skipton line up. His struggling team are slowly being caught up by the Smeggers so he sent in bids for Taylor (NEW), Malouda, Kuyt, Ameobi, Cole (WH) and Sturridge. The Yorkshire Dales based supremo didn't attend the auction but managed secure all his targeted players.

Scott E Dog was on the rampage after completely rebuilding Richmond lock single-handedly in one day. He was already installed in the White Swan in Richmond when Chairman Pip and Sardine turned up. He was hungrier than than the hungriest man on Earth and was soon going in and out of consciousness, staring at chair legs and imagining them to be pork sausages, you know the sort of thing. He even suggested we have the auction in a curry house. With more riverside stops at the Town Wharf, where Purps was doing his Rowley Birkin QC impression in the corner, and the London Apprentice his hunger was getting worse. Luckily, Franks Chippy provided him with a handful of chips to keep him going and after a special consultation with Chef in the Red Lion he finally got his curry. It was just in time really, I think he was about to eat one of us. Wandering Dog went on to sign Barton and Bendtner thinking they were brands of meat pies or something.

Laughing Glavesy had joined us at the chippy and snapped up Aaron Hughes, getting rid of Sol Campbell in the process. The Shankers boss was in a bit of a mess by now having had too many wheat beers in the Whaaaaarf. He absent mindedly signed two Everton defenders in Yobo and Baines.

The power is running out on my laptop so here are the rest of the transfers...

Jeff Stelling Shield - Round Up

The Jeff Stelling Shield kicked off with four preliminary round games. Unusually, only two of these games were decided with Somerset Fruitcakes and Kings Road United easily disposing of Taxbore Wanderers and Smegma United respectively. Tosspot League leaders Naked Ladies were held by AFC Grumpledon and they will have to battle it out again. The same goes for Slinger's Ringers and current SSPA leaders and JSS holders Wandering Dog, these two teams fought out a gruelling six-all draw at the weekend but you wouldn't give the Ringers much of a chance on Dog's own patch.

Naked Ladies 8 AFC Grumpledon 8
Slinger's Ringers 6 Wandering Dog 6
Taxbore Wanderers 5 Somerset Fruitcakes 16
Smegma United 4 Kings Road United 17

Two of the hot favourites tumbled out at the preliminary round stage at the hands of the Riedlingers. The Naked Ladies edged out AFC Grumpledon by the odd point in 17 while Slinger's Ringers put their league form behind them to hammer Wandering Dog by seven clear points in another 17 point game.

The draw for the quarter finals will be held at the auction but in the meantime here are the results of those of you that are shit at maths...

Replays

AFC Grumpledon 8 Naked Ladies 9

Wandering Dog 5 Slinger's Ringers 12

The draw for the quarter finals was made at the Red Lion on Friday night at approximately 8.37pm. The team names of the fallen Grumpledon, Dog, Taxbores and Smeggers were ceremonially burned in the Fire of Doom just behind where Chairman Pip was sat. For some reason Scott E Dog was staring at Pip like he was a hog roasting on the spit. That man was so hungry last night!

Kings Road United v Naked Ladies
Somerset Fruitcakes v Slinger's Ringers
Eintracht Skipton v Armitage Shankers
R-Dick-U-Lose v Unathletico Jillbao

Ties to be played 9th to 15th December 2008

Jeff Stelling Shield - Preliminary Round

The Jeff Stelling Shield kicks off next weekend and the preliminary round draw is as follows:

Naked Ladies v AFC Grumpledon
Slinger's Ringers v Wandering Dog
Taxbore Wanderers v Somerset Fruitcakes
Smegma United v Kings Road United

Tosspot League Table

Tosspot League - Results 26/09/08

Taxbore Wanderers	12-3	Slinger's Ringers
Armitage Shankers	6-21	Somerset Fruitcakes
AFC Grumpledon	3-4	Eintracht Skipton
R-Dick-U-Lose	4-8	Naked Ladies
Smegma United	(2)-10	Kings Road United
Unathletico Jillbao	14-19	Wandering Dog

Tosspot League - Results 12/09/08

Naked Ladies are the only team left with a 100% record in the Tosspot League after just two rounds of matches. Van Persie, Gallas and Noble all contributed in an easy win against crisis club Smegma United. It wasn't such good news for the other Riedlinger as Slinger's Ringers slumped to the bottom after Armitage Shankers' Emmanuel Adebayor put them to the sword. Defoe and Zamora were just two of the scorers for AFC Grumpledon in front of a stunned home crowd in Somerset. The Fruitcakes suffered one of their biggest ever defeats since records began.

There are no fixtures this weekend, the Tosspot League returns to action on 23rd September.

Results

Armitage Shankers 15 Slinger's Ringers 6
Somerset Fruitcakes 0 AFC Grumpledon 17
R-Dick-U-Lose 10 Eintracht Skipton 1
Naked Ladies 7 Smegma United -6
Unathletico Jillbao 7 Kings Road United 9
Wandering Dog 10 Taxbore Wanderers 10

Tosspot League

Next Fixtures (9th - 15th September 2008)

Armitage Shankers v Slinger's Ringers
Somerset Fruitcakes v AFC Grumpledon
R-Dick-U-Lose v Eintracht Skipton
Naked Ladies v Smegma United
Unathletico Jillbao v Kings Road United
Wandering Dog v Taxbore Wanderers

Last Results

Taxbore Wanderers 10 Armitage Shankers -4
Slinger's Ringers 7 Somerset Fruitcakes 14
AFC Grumpledon 5 R-Dick-U-Lose 5
Eintracht Skipton 0 Naked Ladies 2
Smegma United 11 Unathletico Jillbao 8
Kings Road United 9 Wandering Dog 23

League Table

September Transfers

The Best Possible Squad You Could Have Had

Allowing only two players from each Premier League Club, here is the best squad you could have assembled providing that you could have bought the whole for £40M or under. This squad could have brought you approximately 850 points taking in to account that some players would have played at the same time thus you would have had to drop one or two at some point.

1 GK Howard EVE 38
2 FB Belletti CHE 49
3 FB Johnson POR 41
4 MF Fabregas ARS 57
5 CB Lescott EVE 62
6 CB Ferdinand MU 57
7 MF Ronaldo MU 107
8 MF Gerrard LIV 57
9 ST Adeyabor ARS 80
10 ST Torres LIV 80
11 MF Young AV 56

12 MF Barry AV 49
13 MF Elano MC 42
14 ST Berbatov TOT 65
15 ST Santa Cruz BLA 73

SSPA Awards

Awards given out at the end of season bash in the Red Lion in Isleworth were as follows:

SSPA Champion
Bugs Birney (Kings Road United)

Tosspot League Champion
Bugs Birney

Jeff Stelling Shield Winner
Scott E Dog (Wandering Dog)

[The Meaningless] FA Cup League Champion
Sardine Riedlinger (Bruce's Bangers)

Most Goals in SSPA
Fruitcake Birney (Somerset Fruitcakes) 75 goals

Most Assists in SSPA
Fruitcake Birney (Somerset Fruitcakes) 55 assists

Most Clean Sheets
Bugs Birney (Kings Road United) 64 clean sheets

SSPA Managers' Manager of the Year
Bugs Birney (Kings Road United)

The Bryan Robson Award for High Levels of Mediocre Fantasy League Management
Fritz Riedlinger (Slinger's Ringers)

Best Buy
Emmanuel Adebayor of Kings Road United - 80 points for sod all

Worst Buy
Florent Malouda of Armitage Shankers - £8M for sod all

Top Player
Cristiano Ronaldo 31 goals, 7 assists, 107 points

SSPA Team of the Year

1 Edwin van der Sar (KRU)
2 Patrice Evra (BBa)
3 Glen Johnson (TW)
4 Cesc Fabregas (UJ)
5 Rio Ferdinand (KRU)
6 Nemanja Vidic (BBa)
7 Cristiano Ronaldo (SU)
8 Steven Gerrard (AS)
9 Emmanuel Adeyabor (KRU)
10 Fernando Torres (TW)
11 Frank Lampard (KRU)

Bunny's Tosspot Title Triumph

Kings Road United snatched the Tosspot League title from underneath the noses of AFC Grumpledon with a dramatic last gasp victory over Smegma United at the Warren. With Grumpledon being embarrassed in front of their own fans down at Frown Lane on what was supposed to be a day of celebration, all Kings Road had to do was draw in their home game against the Smeggers. But throughout the game Kings Road were below par, nervous and anxious, while Purply's boys were playing with gay abandon, I think he was filling the hole behind the two strikers. Then it all fell apart for Smegma, and more importantly, for Colonel Grumps.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man, and that hour was 4pm till 5pm on Sunday, and that man was Darius Vassell. He came, he saw, and he scored a somewhat fortunate goal that involved starring performances from Calamity James, Meat Ball Campbell and a blade of grass. But this goal was important, not only did it give the Bunnyman three precious points, but it also soiled Puffin Killer's clean sheet.

But Herman the Puffin eater is always dangerous at corners so there was still hope for Grumpledon. But it was Vassell who was on fire and to stop him getting through for another chance, the Puffin cooker blocked him and the silly Icelandic man left the field with minus one point to his name. And there went one of Grumpledon's hopes for silverware this season. The triple has never been done but it seems only Wandering Dog stand between Kings Road and an achievement of biblical proportions.

Latest on the Tosspot League

Here are the latest Tosspot League Results, final fixtures and league table. It's between AFC Grumpledon and Kings Road United...

National Cup - Second Round

The National Cup is already under way and the second round kicks off on the 29th January. We've already lost the Fruitcakes, Shankers, Smeggers and Taxbores in a disastrous first round for the SSPA; only the Ringers and Grumpledon managed to come through unscathed with the rest getting byes.

Here is the list of games for the second round (Opponents position and league in brackets):

Roy of the Rovers v Kings Road United (3rd DDB London)
AFC Grumpledon v Interbred (5th Hanover Hangovers)
Wandering Dog v Super Torra (9th Aberdeen's Finest)
Grand Torresmo v Bruce's Bangers (7th Fidelity Premiership)
Slinger's Ringers v I Love Wham! (5th League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and One Woman)
Unathletico Jillbao v Kinter Milan (9th Clarky Must Be Stopped..Div 1)
AC Pharo v VfB Skipton (9th South China Morning Toast)
Binnaway Blades v Chance and Necessity (1st Inter Continental Competition)

Tosspot League Results - 15th to 21st January

Tosspot League Results - 1st to 7th January

AFC Grumpledon went one point in front of the pack with this result but Grumps will see this as two points dropped against struggling Slinger's Ringers. Sol Campbell was the hero for Fritz's team with a goal and clean sheet to earn himself six points.

Bunny will be happy then that his team gave Binnaway Blades the beating that was expected. Gael Clichy and Old Mother Johnson grabbed five points each to leave Binnaway still winless in the Tosspot League.

VfB Skipton, who started the season off with three straight defeats, edged out a tired looking Shankers to make it an incredible four straight victories. Corluka, Almunia, Utaka and Ballack (dodgy diver) all scored three points to keep up Ace's impressive Tosspot form.

In the top five clash at the Winalot Stadium, Wandering Dog surrendered a two point lead to a dogged Smeggers side. A rare clean sheet for the Puffin Killer and another three points for Jagielka earned Purps a win that keeps him snapping at Grumps' heels.




The next round of Tosspot League matches kick off on 15th January after the competition has another week off, this Tosspot League gets more holidays than I do! The pick of the bunch has to be the clash between AFC Grumpledon and Bruce's Bangers. Sardine's team have been a revelation in this competition and could even go top if they win this one and the Smeggers fail to pick up three points at home to Somerset Fruitcakes.

Tosspot League Fixture - 1st to 7th January

Jeff Stelling Shield - Quarter Final Results