The November Mini Auction (The Night of the Chalky Hands)

It's been a long time since the Red Lion in Isleworth hosted an SSPA mini auction but the resurrection of the dart board had drawn the attention of the Chairman. It was not a typical night in the Red, it was heaving, and there seemed to be a lack of nutters from the local nuthouse. By the time Chairman Pip arrived Purplytub and Sardine were already immersed in pints of frothing beer. Purps had allegedly been in there a while, drinking with his mentor, Cheesytub, ex-manager of Cheddar Gorges. Is Purps thinking of bringing him in to Nobcheese Lane in a kind of Brian Kidd type role? Once again, Bubble's job as coach is under scrutiny, when there are bad times at Smegma United the blame always seems to fall on the cat. Also sat outside the pub with them enjoying the sultry November night air was Umber Ella. Fruitcake, Bunny and Captain Scott arrived, completely ignoring the four fatties sat outside. However, they were all apologetic when they realised their error.

A lovely table was found right in front of the dart board, the only table left in the pub. Although it wasn't technically free as there was a bag, a couple of drinks, a copy of the Evening Standard and a cycle helmet scattered around the table and on the seats, the SSPA's finest flexed their collective muscles and annexed the table for their use.

On the whole, it was the managers who weren't there that were to spend the bulk of the money. The bottom two in the league, Tiddles and Kaiser Bill, are in danger of setting new records for crapness. However, these two still had big money to spend, both clubs have had new investors lately and the managers were given blank cheques to spend as they wished. Their outbidding each other was to be the theme of the night, apart from the chalky hands. Almunia, the keeper that has ousted Jens Lehman from the Arsenal stopper spot, was a target of many on the night. Binnaway Blades wanted him so badly that it hurt, but their £7M bid was not enough as the Kaiser came in with half a mill more. Emre of Newcastle was the subject of a £4M bid from Oz but once again Skippo slipped in a few quid more. Tiddles was tucked up again in a £6M bid for Pompey's Benjani, this time by Grumpledon who purchased him for £7.75M, but Binnaway's second choice bid for Kenwynne Jones of £3M was enough to prise him away from the Kaiser's grasp.

Tiddles was successful in other areas securing the transfers of Rob Green, George McCartney, Alex, Kapo, Michael Johnson and Dave Kitson. The Kaiser also bought Belleti, Pique, Ballack, Jerome and Hutchinson. It will be interesting to see if all these changes have any impact this weekend.

Old timers, Coops and Fritz, were also dealing from afar on the night. Fritz sent in his blind bids and apologies before going on a fact-finding mission to Glasgow. He's probably swilling down a beefy bake and deep fried Mars Bar with a tin of McKewans as we speak. The Ringers were in need of stability, being so close to the top of the league has given them the wobble so Fritz has employed the sturdy services of Sol Campbell, David Dunn and Anderson (Viv? Clive? Shelter?) at a combined cost of £6M. He was successful on all his bids but Coops failed on one as he was outbid on Emre, but as Meatloaf once said, two out of three ain't bad. But then again, Meatload also once said "I'll kill you if you don't come back", which is bit worrying. As mentioned previously, Benjani will be pulling on a Grumpledon strip today, joining him will be Distin who signed up for £1.25M.

Jillytub and Laughing Glavesy didn't have much success on the night. Now playing for Jillbao is Samba of Blackburn, not playing for Jillbao are Alex, K Jones and Almunia. Jillytubs £1M bid for the latter caused much mirth and merriment amongst the cluster of SSPA managers in the Red Lion as £7M plus bids had already been recorded. Poor old Taxbore Wanderers were scuppered on all three of their bids and a subsequent second choice bid. Again a £2M bid for Almunia triggered a couple of titters in the now well lubricated fantasy league bosses present at the auction.

Those managers in the Red, now eager to get on with the darts action, were conservative in their bidding throughout the night. Purps drafted in the Puffin Killer and Zat Knight. Fruitcake signed up Theo (who loves yer baby) Walcott and Simon Davies Junior. Pip, showing a remarkable amount of patience with his team, snapped up John "Yip Yip" Carew. Bunny went for Bent of the Marcus variety and the Captain brought in Shaun Wright-Phillips on a free after he was released by the Kaiser.

The darts went well with Purps taking the honours even though he was using the pub darts. But then again, he had been drinking three hours longer than anyone else. Pip showed an alarming ability to wipe out Sardine within 12 darts and the Captain proved he's no mug with the arrers. Bunny was out of sorts all evening and had just the one win to show, we told him not to eat chips before playing darts.

In the chalky hand contest Bunny was once again the loser, he had four chalky hands on his black sweater before he twigged what was going on. Pip managed a sneaky one on the Steve Rider lookalike who was playing pool, the only chalky hand administered to an innocent member of the public all night, worth 20 points according to the Chalky Hand Association. It got a bit silly later on with Purps trying to smear Pip's bollocks with chalk and Bunny took off his black sweater to reveal a pristine white t-shirt. If only we could have found some black paint.

The draw for the quarter finals of the Jeff Stelling Shield was done as well and was much more professional than the Scottish one. It went as follows:

AFC Grumpledon v Taxbore Wanderers
Slinger's Ringers v Armitage Shankers
Somerset Fruitcakes v Wandering Dog
Kings Road United v Unathletico Jillbao

Ties to be played 11th to 17th December.